Self prep

Remember nothing can be achieved without effort. It may be hard but I must try. Just keep trying since it is what I want.

And remember, pride is not a valid reason for not trying. I have allowed pride to stand in the way of too many things before. Remember the lessons.

Even if I hit a wall, I should just move on. And eventually, somehow, someday, someway, I will get it right. Even if I do not, it will not be for nothing. Cos I will gain something on the way.

And, I need to remember that there is no right way to live life.

For the first time in 9 years, you forgot.

My birthday wish is simple. Just dinner with you.

Thank god! M is alright. Darn glad to receive the hubby’s sms. It was stupid of me. I should hv just called him instead and save myself all that worrying.

And some superbeings out there has decided to let me off the hook. I just missed having to visit R’s wife since they left already. Meeting him to pass him the gift is much easier.

Worried about M. She should be out of the operating theatre at 6 plus but still no news. No response to my sms from the hubby. What is happening???
Been wondering whether to call. Think I should wait till morning. Maybe, it is like D said, they are just exhausted and sleeping.

Please let everything be alright.

I have succumbed to materialism, or rather, consumerism.

More importantly, I have surrendered to superficiality and spend a ridiculous amount of money to buy myself an “armor” to fit in with the environment.

Wilful Senora

The Mum has decided that she has enough of the working world and has declared that she is going to Retire.

On a daily basis, she has been most creative in coming up with hundred and one reasons why she is now unfit for employment. It would have been amusing if it was not so frustrating.

Finally, she got weary of the daily campaign efforts and decided to announce jauntily that she is going to tender her resignation right after bonus and will be a free woman before new year.

And so now, I am gonna to be a bonded woman with a bank loan to consider starting next year.

It is inevitable that I have to be the sole breadwinner. My own wilful self was hoping that this can be delayed for another couple of years. But, despite my own personal feelings about it, the Mum does have a right to decide to retire if she wants to. After all, I have been independent for a really long time by now. I just wish her views about retirement are more realistic.

Oh and just yesterday, Senora declared that she is going for another holiday on her own since her delinquent daughter has bluntly refused to bring her for another holiday this year. She probably forgot that the previous day, in making the retirement announcement, she also declared that she will be careful about spending money. This lapse in memory is probably just a sure sign that she is really unfit for employment.

I wonder if this will be me in another few decades. Or maybe, I can start now and head out to Gucci to buy the designer bag I have been lusting after and then logged online to book a trip to Peru and prepare to head out there on my own before next year.

Settling

Lately, it striked me that I am feeling more settled in this job. The aura of increased confidence has crept in unnoticed.

The first time I noticed this change was when I was telling W about my job. It striked me how far I have come. It also striked me that in some ways, I have grown too. The tiny steps that I am taking have helped me move on without me noticing. This realisation is reassuring.

The second realisation was when C came down and asked me to consider going back to the previous job. There were no confusion on my part, the answer was a clear no.

Of course, I still struggled with the issues that spring up sometimes. But, it is just part and parcel of work. And it is gladdening to realise that, I have grown better at handling the stress and people at work better. I am also starting to understand why some of these people have stayed there for so many years. Comfort zone. I am starting to sink into my comfort zone here too which is bad in a way since this is not the place I see a long term future in.

There are still days when I feel like an adult delinquent among all these parents discussing mudane household issues but most days, I just laughed along with them.

It is clear this is not the place for me in long term but this transit point is helpful.

Until I deem it time to move on, it is a good idea to just enjoy the stay.

I eat alone too.
Regularly.
Unhealthily, and at irregular hours.
So why do I worry about someone?
Thousands of miles away.
Eating alone and unhealthily.

Why is it that I never worry about myself and I worry about him?
This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous!

I hope the family can join him soon.
So that he can eat home cooked meals.
So that he does not have to eat alone.
But with the family.

Remedies for a confused soul

Reading helps.
Reads:
A million little pieces. Da Vinci Code. The adventures of Tom Sawyer. The thirteen tale.
Music:
A wide variety of old half forgotten CDs.
Internet:
Reading blogs. Facebook. Watching old travel pics. Youtube. Avoid msn. Surfing randomly.
Snacking:
Potato chips. Fruits. Chocolates.
Shopping:
Losing my mind over shoes. Pretty, sweet ballet pumps.
Old friends:
Works everytime.