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Topic: Question, ask and observe yourself. “What do you step back in disdain from?”
How do you judge people? Is it by nation, race, gender, education, wealth or by look? Or by other factors?
Can’t decide on a title for this post. It is a tug of war between these 2.
It is weirdly interesting because all the weird people who I have not been in touch for quite a while, have decided to call within the same 24 hours. And every call makes me wonder about the nature of us human.
Incident 1: Received 2 missed calls from this loser of a guy. An ex-client who tried to put a fast one on me under the guise of catching up over dinner while his wife to be was out partying. Did not bother picking up the calls. Can’t understand how he has the cheek to call again. Really si feng ri xia! (loosely defined as morality of society down the drain.)
Incident 2: Received a phone call from this ex-client whom I have not been in touch for two years. She is calling to catch up. Turned up that her husband just filed for divorce and she is looking a listening ear. Amazing that she thinks of me, who she has not been in contact for 2 years. I obligingly listened. I hmm and haw at the right pauses. I asked questions and listened some more. After I put down the phone, I wonder if she thought of me because she thinks I am a good listener or because she has no friends to talk to. Then, I shrugged and decided that it doesn’t matter, all I have to do is to listen. After all, we all have down time. I believe there is 2 sides to every coin. I do not believe that it is all the husband’s fault. But, under the circumstance, there is no harm in just offering a little sympathetic listening.
Once I put down the phone, my colleague next to me commented wryly “our job is often the job of a counselor too, isn’t it?” My reply “Yes, but we have to constantly remind ourselves not to expect any reciprocation from clients. We need to be constantly very conscious of the line between friends and clients. People can turn nasty very fast.” I swear this career is turning me into a cynic. In a way, it is good too cos being a realist is the best line of defence in most situations.
Incident 3: Phonecall from J who needs a listening ear to vent his frustration about his mum. I am used to this. We are constantly downloading our frustrations with our respective mums to each other. It is the fellowship of cousins. After all, it is easier for us to understand and feel each other’s frustration since we already know the family so well. In this case, I can really empathise and sympathise. I did tried to offer some suggestions but not likely to solve the problem. I wish I can help more but all I can do is to just listen. Poor J. Things are not easy for him.
Why it is that when I finally feel like you are really gone from my life,
Realistically, emotionally and literally,
You just have to come right back in.
Maybe it is life’s little test for me to evaluate if I am really over you?
Am I ready to be friend again?
All I can say is I do value the friendship from the past but I really don’t know…
Frankly, it is easier to just let things be and keep it as a closed chapter of my life.
Can you just try to understand why I am keeping the distance?
Extract from past post.
“I want to know what kind of feelings I revoke in you on the rare occasions if you do think of me. Are they good or bad? Because, I care. I care what you think of me.
I really really want to know if you truly believe that I am cold and uncaring or you understood that I was just staying away because I was hurt. Can you understand that I was being stubborn and prideful?
I wanted so much to pick up the phone and call you but I was afriad. Afriad that whatever progress that I have made to move away from you will be demolised in a matter of seconds upon seeing you again. I am scared to face you to hear you talk about the someone by your side now. I am afriad the green-eyed monster in me may strike and I will drown further in misery.
Pride is not what is keeping me away. Self preservation is.”
I don’t know how hard it is for a man to understand all this. But, I have to give you credit for trying to retain the friendship. Well, who knows? Maybe this time, the friendship can be re-ignite and all the other feelings have evaporated.
Met up with M who is back for Lunar New Year to catch up.
His one year stint in Shanghai seems to be doing him a world of good. In all the years that I have known him (and that’s more than 10 years), I have never known him to voluntarily read a book on self enrichment. Anything that he read used to be out of neccessity or out of interest only. Was quite amazed when he asked me to recommend him some good management and self development books. Well, way to go, mate!
Saw some pictures of his girlfriend of 6 months. Pleasant looking. Well, he seems quite happy. So, my blessings to them.
Feels good to catch up. Was suddenly reminded of our coffee session before he left in May last year. Seems like so much have change and yet, many things are still the same. It is evident that some of our thinkings are slowly evolving. Certain priorities have shifted and we are made little progress in subtle ways. It is funny how we are made aware of our own changes just by updating each other of the past year’s events and what we are currently up to.
Well, changes are for the better. We are both seem to be happier persons compared to May last year.
Have a good journey back, friend. When you are not around, I have one less person to traumatised. Looking forward to our next coffee session when you are back. Or better yet, maybe I can make it for a trip to Shanghai and you can show me around.
Went to visit SL the week before Chinese New Year.
For some people, staying at home with your kids is a dream.
For a person with SL’s nature, it is a challenge. She is someone used to an active social life. She is used to the working life and having an income of her own. It takes alot of adjustment and patience on her part to condition herself to the role of a stay at home mum.
As a friend, I can only listen quietly to her worries about her daughter’s condition and financial commitments. I can only imagine her stress and add my 2 cents worth to comfort her. I can only offer her an alternative to a part-time job.
A simple verse depicting the longing for our loved ones during every festive season.
Understanding is always different from feeling. I have never truly feel the meaning of this verse until my dad passed away a few years back.
It is a phrase that haunted me year after year on all the lunar festive seasons. And the feeling is always most acutely felt on every Lunar New Year. The feeling always seem to creep up on me unaware. In the midst of joviality and laughters among relatives. In the usual frenzy of new year wishes to elders. During reunion dinner. Spring-cleaning. In the middle of a joyous black jack game. I am always caught off-guard by how intense the pain is and how much I miss him.
The pain griped me with an intensity that choked my breath.
I think of how happy you will be to join us in our games of black jack. I think of how glad you will be to see all your siblings getting along cordially, unlike the past, where festive seasons are always characterised with a quarrel brewing on the horizon. I think of how comforted you will be to see all the elderly uncles in good health and how happy you will be to hold your newborn grandniece and nephew in your arms.
And I take a deep breath, blink back my string of tears, take more deep breaths, smile and plunge back into the joviality around me.
No matter how I thought I have come to terms with your death. Or how I am done with griefing. The pain always resurface in unexpected moments. No matter how many years have passed, this gripping pain will always be a part of me. With the pain comes memory, heart wenching memories that intensified how much I miss you. With memory also comes strength. I remember your love and your every effort for our family. Your sacrifices. I remember your concerns and worries at your deathbed. I remember my promise to you to take good care of myself and live well.
And yes, Pa. We lead a reasonably happy life now. We will take good care of each other. And, we will both live happily. Our memories of you will give us strength.
每逢家节念思亲
I miss you, Pa. Very very much.
Just got back from a girls’ nite out with 3 friends.
On the surface, we are 4 independent women enjoying our single lives.
We are all attractive in our own ways.
We are all fully capable of taking care of ourselves.
We have our own career.
And although, far from rich or being highly successful, we are all financially independent.
All of us had withstood our fair share of heartbreaks, disappointment and setbacks. We had dealed with loss of loved ones, sickness or family crisis. Somehow, we had survived and we know that we are capable of surviving through crisis.
None of us can actually fits into the category of “demure”, “gentle” or “helpless”. We are hardly the type of females to play damsels in distress. Cos we are so used to settling our own problems and doing things by ourselves.
And yet, we all secretly yearn the same things.
Love, a caring husband, our own family and kids.
A home to call our own.
Stability.
The assurance of being love and the joy of having someone to love.
Marriage and motherhood.
Someone to build dreams and share your problems with. A partner to walk with us through life’s journey. A witness to our lives. A lifetime companion.
These are the things that reside in the secret yearnings of our hearts. The pictures that we paint in our mind. The dreams we build in our hearts.
4 independent women, who seemingly need no one and seem to be enjoying their freedom and independence.
