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Some days I think I am fine but some days I think I am hopeless. how did u become so impt? And why? I dun hv any answers. Maybe, some people just crept unknowingly into your heart because they are in the right place at the right time when you are most vulnerable.
It strikes me that my recent posts have one thing in common. Ok, fine. It’s more that one since they are all depressive with bad grammar. The underlying statement is I am trying to run away. Get away from this place to seek my own idea of happiness and freedom.
Question to myself.
So, is it the place, the people, the gahmen, the values or the systems I want to escape from? Or maybe, it is myself? Am I running away from all the expectations of me that I do not wish to fit into?
Guess the answer is a combination of all.
Starting with the space, I feel closet in.
In this tiny island. Where we are ambitiously building more buildings, with the land that we are reclaiming, with the soil that we bring in from Indonesia. So that we can build more shopping malls with similar shops that are within 5 mins of each other. No, it’s now 3 mins of each other. We are also building more tiny little apartments and office building so that we can squeeze another 2 millions people into this place.
In this place where you can’t help bumping into someone you know when you are out, there is nowhere to hide and take a breather where you need it. I have taken to hiding at home where I am bugged at by Mother.
I need space. Both physical and breathing space.
I need personal space without people breathing down my neck. Alot of that from my mum.
I do not see a long term future in this place called a democracy but where the gahmen can self declared an incomparable world class pay package to themselves and there is nothing that we can do about it. No welfare, lots of charity programs solicitating donations, funds had been misused and misappropriated. I can go on and on. But, frankly, there is not much point in that.
And the values. The values associated with all the increasing number of Cs and so called prestige. I can shrugged them off, I know. But, it is not easy in a society obsessed with the seemingly endless chase of acquiring more and more material processions and their image creation.
Oh yes, not forgetting the chunk of people who are constantly on your back trying to impress their religion on you. WTF.
Plus the general culture where asking for people to mind their own business and respect individual choice seems to be such a chore. Especially, the elders. Ok, fine. I am being rude but it is true.
Guess, it is needless to go on. I just NEED to get away.
The question is WHEN can I do so and the guilt that comes with in on the parental front.
Last week, our lecturer affirmed that if we can get to the stage where we are able to do assessment in this field, we will be welcome in any country. That is exactly what I want. An international passport which will provide me the option to settle in different parts of the world.
To get to that stage, I will need another 7 years of studying. For this 7 years, source of financing is my challenge. Without any scholarship or financing, I have to rely on myself to accumulate the funds. I have to also set aside some savings for any family emergencies. If this is what I want, then, staying in this career makes sense financially.
The issue here is I am really disillusioned and ready give up everything that I have built in the past 6 years. If I am just staying on for the money, I am compromising my job satisfaction and fulfillment. On top of that, I feel that it is time for me to accumulate corporate experience to enhance my overall experience.
However, if I leave, I need to accept a significant pay-cut. This means a further delay on my studies plan. I also need to be responsible to my commitment.
I need to give more thoughts to this. I can’t be impulsive. I need to consider my priorities carefully before making any decisions.
Perhaps I have been in this place for too long.
This place where everyone speaks the same language, says the same things instinctly. And repeat the same things unthinkingly.
I wonder if they are even thinking anymore. Perhaps they have successfully constraint their mind to think narrowly along a single track. The one and only track that they are accustomed to think.
Perhaps, it is the only way to survive without beating yourself emotionally.
But, I am not listening anymore.
I need new voices, new ways of thinking, new perspectives in my life.
Perhaps, I am ready for a change.
I love you, Mum. Very much.
And I know you love me beyond everything else.
All my life, I have live in the security of parental love. Unlike, some friends and relatives, I never have any cause to doubt both your love for me. Never.
But, is there some way to please both of us? Someway that we can both be happy with the way we are both living.
Contentment is one way. But, how do I balance contentment with a need for growth and a desire for independence and to see more of the world?
Compromise is another. But, there must be meeting of mind. In this case, it seems that I still need to work harder at it before a plausible solution can be found.
Meanwhile, I need to work harder to build up my savings and build a group of strong emotional support for you while I am gone. Guess teaching you to pick up modern technology (internet, msn, email and webcam) is a good idea too.
Today, I poached the subject of furthering my study in Australia with mum.
The usual arguments surface.
“You can’t just leave me here alone.”
“What about your job? You said how much you liked it when you first started. When you left the bank and I objected, you told me how much you like job. Aiyah, should have listened to me and stay in the bank.”
“Don’t you want to get married? People your age have children of their own already. In fact, so and so have more than one already, etc.”
There were a few more irrevelant attempts.
After that, long silence and she just walked away and laid down on her bed.
I hate the whole situation. I can see all too clearly the glass cage that I am trapped in. It has always been the same scenario over and over again. Why does being an only child deprive me of the right to live my own life and the right to pursue my dream?
I will love to just walk away and leave her to adapt. But, I can’t. I can’t because my mum is not someone who can adapt. She is not someone who can take on a broad perspective. She is not someone who can understand. In her mind, my mention of oversea study equates my intention to desert her. And, that is all that she can see. She can never understand why I deemed it necessary to remove myself from my current life and pursue something different. She does not understand all my explaination of why at different part of our lives, we need and pursue different things in life.
In this moment, I have never feel so stagnant before in my life and I really want to move out of my comfort zone. I really want to try being independent in a completely different environment and just enjoy being myself and trying my best in what I do. I want to expand my horizon in a world outside Singapore. This place that makes me feel stifled. I do not want to climb corporate ladder and sell myself to higher and higher expectation of monetary gains. I just want to pursue my little dream now while I can still afford to. Before I settle down and have my own commitments.
Is that being selfish? I have been putting off my plans all these years for your sake. I am thirty now. If I don’t do it now, I will probably regret it. Why can’t you just give in to me for 2 years? I will come back. Am I the one being selfish or are you?
The feeling of uncertainty hangs over my head like a cloud. It is a scary feeling, not knowing what you want.
It had been disrupting my sleeping hours. And, when I finally do fall asleep, it penetrates into my dreams leaving me irritable and listless. 2 whole weeks of roaming around lost.
Telling myself to snap out of all these depressiveness is not working. I just can’t get to sleep. Resolving my confusion will help but unfortunately, after weighting all the pros and cons, I still cannot decide.
My mum commented today that she is getting worried for I am usually quite confident in my decision making. She is quite used to me deciding on what I want. Once my mind is made up, I usually just announce my decision to her and talk her into accepting my decision just by standing firm on it. Guess my prolonged uncertainty is freaking her out.
Meanwhile, I should try to relax and regulate my sleep pattern so that I can get enough REM sleep to allow my brain to do its job. Since no one is really pressing me for any decision except myself, I probably should just ease up and relax enough to sleep properly.
After all, having options is what life is about. Whatever I decide, life still goes on. Whatever direction I choose, it is my choice.
Don’t be mean.
Don’t be so mean to him just because he likes you.
Don’t assume that he deserves your mean comments just because he doesn’t rebuke you ever.
And don’t think he deserves your tardiness just because he is always there for you.
Don’t take his care and concerns for granted and assume it is always yours for taking.
Don’t just show your gratitude for your God’s grace and forget about appreciating the people around you.
He may be only human but he deserves your appreciation and gratitude too.
He is not the scapegoat for you to vent your frustrations when things go wrong.
He is the one who is always helping and supporting you in all things, big and small.
And if you really can’t reciprocate his feelings, why are you allowing him to do so much for you?
Please practice what you preach.
Meanwhile, we can only leave the two of you at it and hope something good comes out of it.
