Vagabond At Heart

“We are such old friends already. You know I wish you well in my heart, wherever you are.”

Yes, that’s all we are ever going to be. I know that but when will my heart ever stop hoping for more.

Too bad that you can’t meet for lunch. Actually, I just wanted to see you before I leave for my trip.

I am flying off to Europe tomorrow. Finally. Hooray!

I am so looking forward to it. France, Italy and Switzerland, here I come!

*grin..grin..*

A kind soul is taking me for a hawker feast as a going away present before my trip. That is so sweet of him. I am feeling a tad too happy about it.

Yet, the feeling is distinctly different from how I feel about you.

It’s is frivolous, a mild attraction that I am withholding from exploring because of obvious fundamental differences. It is also obvious to me that his heart is still very much elsewhere and some distractions is welcome to him now.

Lacking in the intensity when I think of you. Tempted to call you for lunch before my trip.

My life has been a whirl recently. My fault, of course. According to the websites, other people planned their Europe trips for 6 months, I insist on doing it in 3 weeks.

I am busy running around trying to get my 101 list of “to do’s” done. In between work, classes, endless cease of social activities (including playing aunt agony), Hong Kong trip with mum, the rest of my time is spend in preparing for my Europe Trip.

I am basically eating, sleeping and breathing travel guides, planning itinerary, living virtually in travel & hostel websites. I have never read so many hotel reviews in my life in my search for cost effective, reasonably convenient location and seemingly safest hostels for a lone female traveller. I know. It is not possible to determine all these over the internet. I just have to do my best research and make the best of it when I am actually there. As for safety, it is hardly safe to be travelling alone.

Concerned friends have expressed their worry for my decision to go backpacking alone in Europe. Their sentiments ranged from the negatives to the encouraging. Regardless of whether they think it is brave or foolhardy, their feelings are all consistently miggled puzzlement, worry and tinge of envy.

I am trying frantically to cramp my already loaded brain with miniscle details of Europe while the rest of my brain is constantly thinking of all the things I still need to do. My outline of my itinerary is done, hotels bookings finally cleared yestersday, credit card limit temporarily increased, money changed, bills paid, travel insurance done. But, I still have like a zillion other things to settle, stuff to buy plus packing. 

The most consistent worry nagging at me is my assignments and upcoming tests when I am back. I know I can do it and I will because I have to. I can get the assignments done on time but I will really have to cramp. 

Amid all these is the bubbling excitment building up each day as my trip approach. Europe, here I come. This has been one of my dream since 18. To backpack Europe by rail, to explore different cities and see picturesque villages, to marvel at the histories and cultures, try the local food. To explore further when enticed.

I anticipate the freedom of travelling alone and yet, I am worried too of the dangers of lone travelling. Actually, worry is good too as it will keep me on my guard. It will keep me in check when the euphoria of travel fills me with excitement.

This is yet another quest to get out of my comfort zone. I look forward to new experiences and new perspectives. I know not everything is going to be a bed of roses but every experience adds on. I am preping myself mentally to be prepared for any unpleasant experiences like running through list of what happens if I get mugged or lost, jotting lists of important numbers (still at it), emailing a friend my travel insurance details (freaking her out).  At the same time, wishing for an enriching trip albeit a safe and sound one.

Whoever is reading this, wish me luck!

Amid all the joyous occasions, gaiety, feasting and celebration this week, you constantly came to my mind. These 2 words were companions to my memories of you.

你挡. Whenever you could, you did that for me.

Before I could hit the ground while falling backward down the slope, you were there to break my fall. 你挡.

You took care of me in so many little ways.When you are around, I never have to try to fit in. Cos you make me feel like I belong.

On the train, in restaurants, in gatherings, in office, among friends, in so many ways. 你挡.

It is funny how I have never realised the significance of these little things that I used to take for granted. Sometimes, it is only when we look at things from a distance or in retrospective that we learn see things in a different light. For everything that you had ever done for me, Thank you.

It took me so long to learn that neither pride nor fear should ever stand in way of love. In future, I hope I have the courage to overcome my fears and be honest about my feelings instead of hiding behind my pride. The next time I meet someone who can make me laugh the way you did, I will remember the lessons you taught me.

My friend had a housewarming party yesterday. In the middle it, this thought came to mind. The reason to why you are so important to me is because as long as you are there for me, I feel totally at ease.

As long as you are around me, I feel a sense of belonging. No matter what, I do not feel out of place or awkward as long as you are with me. I could fit in.