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I am really grateful to have very nice colleagues. Despite all the changes we have gone through, the unavoidable coming and going, the change in group dynamics, I have been very fortunate to have nice people around me.
I am really thankful for people like H, C, TL, AL, D and S. Even the newer people like V, SR and M are great. And, of course, my boss. She is really the best boss I have so far.
J just asked me if I want to go treeclimbing with the rest of them next week. It is some outward bound activity. I happily agreed to his surprise. His comment “I didn’t asked you as I thought you are like perpetually not keen to join us for these outdoor activities.”
This is different. Treeclimbing is one of my childhood dream! It came from reading too much Enid Blyton stories when I was young. Memories of the Faraway Tree series came floating back. And also, all the other stories involving treehouses. I am so excited.
Ok, back to reality. There is definately no fairy folks or faraway magical land for me to experience next week. More like trying to overcome my fear of jumping to catch a swing from a height. Cos beside the tree climbing, there are stunts to try as well. But, it should be fun. And, if I get to climb the tree, there is one more tiny little dream I fulfil this year.
L is feeling upset.
Same story. Same supposition. Another jerk. Her question to me “Why am I always so unlucky? Why do I always meet jerks?”
My reply “That is because you always go for the same type of guys. Same character. Same traits. Same profile. The same reasons why it didn’t work out.”
Her reply “It is hopeless. The “Can Make it” men are all jerks and the nice ones are all boring.”
So now, she is in the state where she thinks men are hopeless and she should just surrender to singlehood. Until the next time.
I just can’t seem to make her see that if the men that she goes for all turned out to be jerks. Then, maybe they should not fall into the “Can make it” in her estimation. Maybe, she should try giving some of the nice but boring guys a chance. After all, some people are just shy. And I think alot of it is her stereotyping too.
There are a couple of things I want to tell her but I know she will not take it in. She is too headstrong for advice. Haiz…So, it is another person in a rut. Different way but constantly repeating the cycle. Why do we all keep repeating the same mistake, over and over again?
My uncle has been in hospital for more than a week. Mum has been nagging me to visit him. But, I have been putting it off as I feel quite of awkward going alone. This is the one uncle I have always been awkward around since young. As a child, I never ventured beyond the upfront greeting of “Uncle”. As an adult, I never seem to know what to say to him after the polite address. So today, finally got to pay him a visit with my cousins.
My initial feeling was my uncle has really aged. He is still the strong personality he has always been. In fact, he was giving the nurse instructions on how to feed him the medication in a firm but polite way. But, there is great change physically. He was someone who could never stay at home. He retired early but was always going downtown, visiting places or friends. Now, he is restrained by poor eyesight and a lack of mobility. And to hear him lamenting about poor health in old age is quite unlike him.
There was not much we can do for him but to listen quietly to him. Even though, I was never close to him. My dad used to look up to him. It was this uncle who got his family to stand by me and offered me the most help when my dad passed away. I wanted to thank you somehow but the words never got out of my mouth. Somehow, I have never been able to overcome the awkwardness between us.
I was struggling to hold a conversation today. In fact, with our combined cousins’ efforts, there were still awkward lapse of silence. But, I guess I should try to visit again. I guess having someone visit is still nice in a way even if the person have nothing much to say to you. Maybe, I will drop by tomorrow after meeting my client.
Am reading this book. A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews. It is a rather good read so far. Some extracts below.
“It is a town that exists in the world based on the ideas of it not existing in the world…..The idea is that if we can successfully deny ourselves the pleasures of this world, we’ll be first in line to enjoy the pleasures of the next world, forever.”
“I once had a conversation with my typing teacher about eternal life. He wanted me to define specifically what is was about the world that I wanted to experience……..I ended up saying stupid stuff like I just want to be myself. I just want to do things without wondering if they are a sin or not. I want to be free. I want to know what it is like to be forgiven by another human being and not have to wait around all my life anxiously wondering if I am an okay person or not and having to die to find out. I wanted to experience goodness and humanity outside of any religious framework………….I told him that if I heard one more person say it wasn’t up to him or her to judge, it was up to God, while, at the same time, they were judging their freaking heads off every minute of every day,……….”
How often do we come across people in real life who make us feel that they cannot see beyond their religious beliefs and prejudices to truly appreciate the people and things around them? How often do we come across people who uses their twisted interpretations of God and the bible to judge others? And then use God’s love and forgiveness as a convenient excuses for their own bad behavior? These same people that preach about love and forgiveness, pouting verse of “Love thy neighbours” or “God forgives all”, etc, are often some of the most closed minded and judgemental people around.
When you have a lecturer who is well endowed with all the relevant knowledge with a wealth of experience to share and is able to share these in an interesting manner, class is a delight to attend. I find myself looking forward to class and actively asking questions or sharing my views.
When you have a lecturer whom you feel is lacking in both knowledge and experiences, I find myself dragging my feet to class. When in class, I am distracted and bored. When the lecturer displayed an incompetency to take questions and give sensible answers, you wonder if you should just cut class instead of wasting your time there. Which is a pity when the subject is an interesting one.
This semester I have one of each type. I look forward to Lesson 1 with zest and contemplate cutting class for Lesson 2 on a weekly basis. And I miss M’s class but Lecturer 1 is quite good too.
To earn a six figures pay in a highly stressful role requiring lots of entertaining, irregular hours and burned weekends…
OR
To take a significant pay cut in an established MNC to acquire certain knowledge base and slowly accumulate the relevant experience so that I can use it as a stepping stone for future. The path ahead will look relatively stable and not exactly very exciting but hopefully, the work stress is alot less.
It is my choice.
I had my final round of interview for one of the position and they are quite ready to make an offer but I actually told them that I need time to consider if this is what I want. Quite of silly but I feel it is better to be honest.
Meanwhile, I think more resume sending is in order.
This is a whole week of boozing and feasting.
The one that I really enjoyed was last night. Meet B and P for beer and dinner at Brewerks. I enjoy the conversation, the natural bantering. No pretense, totally natural, can crack jokes about pyscho Cs that we know. Have fun laughing at each other and sharing craziness. And of course, the beer. Alcoholics alike.
Some feelings are beyond words. Maybe it is because I have never been very good at articulating my feelings out loud. Or maybe, my feelings are beyond my own comprehension too.
When I was young, I always thought that love is something sweet and wonderful. As I grow older, I realised love is not always wonderful. It can hurt in so many ways and causes so much pain.
I feel so silly.
P said “Maybe that is his way of caring for your feelings. Maybe he does care but he is sparing a thought for you by drawing the line”.
It doesn’t make me feel any better to think that. Cos I feel the cut. I feel the distance between us spreading out like oceans apart. The sadness is almost unbearable.
Today, at the interview. I was asked “What are your dreams for the future?” and “Do you have intention to settle down anytime soon?”
I thought of you. The future that is not happening.
Painting a new picture of my future is the best gift I can give myself this year.
A brought me some champagne chocolates from Switzerland. They are irresistably good and so pretty. Mum is on cloud nine. Chocolates are the great love of her life, right after durian and moi truly. Everytime I travel, no matter where, I get her some chocolates.
Her reaction after eating these,”How come the ones you buy back are not as nice? Also champagne, rite? And Switzerland too?”
Me: “Mom! Those are really expensive, you know.”
Her reply: “Also not nice one.”
I rolled my eyes in amused exasperation.
My mum’s high expectation of chocolates started when W brought me a box of Sins chocolates one Christmas. After that, no Cabburys can satisfy her. She still eats them but not with great enjoyment. I used to buy her Sins chocolates whenever I clinched a big deal in my initial 2 years. Now, I only do it occasionally.
There were once I brought her a box of Godiva. Guess what? She thinks they are “Not as good as Sins”. The Sins chocolates are still her favourite until recently, when, YF brought me a box of Royce chocolate. That is the end of the Sins era and the beginning of our Royce era.
And now, these champagne chocolates. It is good that they sell them thousands of miles away. Well, at least, I shall assume so until she discovers them incidentally on any of the supermarket shelves.
