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Question from the new man in town.
“There is no place to be alone here. Everywhere I go, it is packed with people. Where do you guys go if you need to be alone?”
My reply.
“We learned to live with it. I used to duck inside a movie theatre if I need to be alone. That’s my alternative to personal space in the midst of crowds.”
P was wearing the gift I got for him from my trip. I suddenly wonder what you looked like in the tie I got for you. I was just drawing the image in my mind when I saw you coming up the escalator. For a moment, I wondered if my imagination had gone wild. But, you were real. The tie was not in sight. I see the man you are. In my mind, I also see the guy you were. We said hi, had a short exchange and went on our ways. Almost like two strangers, each on the move to their respective lives. Separate lives without each other in it. What will it be like to see you in the eyes of a stranger now? If you are a stranger, I won’t have this feeling of helplessness and lost in me.
So now it looks as if I am going to be spending my weekends visiting museums and places of interests with this new guy I met. He is nice and interesting to talk to. Not intimidating. Nice guy but not a pushover. Have strong family values, seem like a real family man in making. Likes to try new things. Likes to cook. Does his own laundry. Enjoy theatres and musicals. We have tons to talk about. Conversation comes easy. We can discuss books, theatres, family stuff, places we been to, food, etc. Seems like everything I am looking for. We find each other interesting cos we come from different cultures and backgrounds. Yet, we have enough similarities to relate to. He invited me to have dinner with his family’s friend next week. I am abit uncomfortable with that since we just met but I try to tell myself not to think too much. He probably just need a date to tag along.
Then there is this other guy. He is nice too. We share familar family background, culture, grow up in the same environment. Even the same neighbourhood. We understand each other’s world. He is like the nice guy on the block that everyone loves. I am comfortable with him too. In fact, he reminds me very much of a close colleague. He is a family man too. Common lingo, common values. Given a chance, we can be really good friends and maybe more.
They are both nice people. I am happy to meet them. My friends are happy that I am meeting new people. But, why is it that I feel extremely lost even as I am enjoying conversation with them or just hanging out? Why do I feel like I don’t even know what I want? It is not them. It is me. I just can’t seem to get you out of perspective. As long as I can’t do that, I will never to able to break the barrier to take things one step further with anyone. No matter how great they are.
If feelings and emotions can be turn off like a tap, I do it this instant.
How do you have a civil conversation with someone who brings to mind the word “Slut!” or “Bitch” or a combination of both, everytime you look at her?
No matter how hard I try, I can neither accept or comprehend her actions. Everytime I look at her, all I see is the mean-ness and ugliness. All I see is this manipulative and selfish person putting up a super fake and nice front. It is ok to hurt others for her own selfish-ness. Maybe she is trying very hard to be nice in her own way but this ugly perception clouds everything else. I simply cannot trust someone whose words and actions do not match up. Time and again. Neither can I like someone who has no qualms using people for her own selfish needs. Time and again.
But, I forced myself to maintain a civil front. I did it. Because I have to. Time and again. Makes me feel like a real hypocrite every single time. And even though, I try my darnest to be as pleasantly civil as I can. Time and again. I am sure the person can still sense my disgust and dislike of her. This is not something to be work out like a conflict of interest. This is simply a conflict of moral standards and personal judgement. I can only minimize contact to the bare minimal which is possible without negative repercussion.
Grrrrphhhh! This is one of the perils of adult-hood. You cannot always show your true feelings cos there are always circumstances you need to bear in mind.
