Vagabond At Heart

Am reading this book. A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews. It is a rather good read so far. Some extracts below.

“It is a town that exists in the world based on the ideas of it not existing in the world…..The idea is that if we can successfully deny ourselves the pleasures of this world, we’ll be first in line to enjoy the pleasures of the next world, forever.”

“I once had a conversation with my typing teacher about eternal life. He wanted me to define specifically what is was about the world that I wanted to experience……..I ended up saying stupid stuff like I just want to be myself. I just want to do things without wondering if they are a sin or not. I want to be free. I want to know what it is like to be forgiven by another human being and not have to wait around all my life anxiously wondering if I am an okay person or not and having to die to find out. I wanted to experience goodness and humanity outside of any religious framework………….I told him that if I heard one more person say it wasn’t up to him or her to judge, it was up to God, while, at the same time, they were judging their freaking heads off every minute of every day,……….”

How often do we come across people in real life who make us feel that they cannot see beyond their religious beliefs and prejudices to truly appreciate the people and things around them? How often do we come across people who uses their twisted interpretations of God and the bible to judge others? And then use God’s love and forgiveness as a convenient excuses for their own bad behavior? These same people that preach about love and forgiveness, pouting verse of “Love thy neighbours” or “God forgives all”, etc, are often some of the most closed minded and judgemental people around.

When you have a lecturer who is well endowed with all the relevant knowledge with a wealth of experience to share and is able to share these in an interesting manner, class is a delight to attend. I find myself looking forward to class and actively asking questions or sharing my views.

When you have a lecturer whom you feel is lacking in both knowledge and experiences, I find myself dragging my feet to class. When in class, I am distracted and bored. When the lecturer displayed an incompetency to take questions and give sensible answers, you wonder if you should just cut class instead of wasting your time there. Which is a pity when the subject is an interesting one.

This semester I have one of each type. I look forward to Lesson 1 with zest and contemplate cutting class for Lesson 2 on a weekly basis. And I miss M’s class but Lecturer 1 is quite good too.

To earn a six figures pay in a highly stressful role requiring lots of entertaining, irregular hours and burned weekends…

OR

To take a significant pay cut in an established MNC to acquire certain knowledge base and slowly accumulate the relevant experience so that I can use it as a stepping stone for future. The path ahead will look relatively stable and not exactly very exciting but hopefully, the work stress is alot less.

It is my choice.

I had my final round of interview for one of the position and they are quite ready to make an offer but I actually told them that I need time to consider if this is what I want. Quite of silly but I feel it is better to be honest.

Meanwhile, I think more resume sending is in order.

This is a whole week of boozing and feasting.

The one that I really enjoyed was last night. Meet B and P for beer and dinner at Brewerks. I enjoy the conversation, the natural bantering. No pretense, totally natural, can crack jokes about pyscho Cs that we know. Have fun laughing at each other and sharing craziness. And of course, the beer. Alcoholics alike.

Some feelings are beyond words. Maybe it is because I have never been very good at articulating my feelings out loud. Or maybe, my feelings are beyond my own comprehension too.

When I was young, I always thought that love is something sweet and wonderful. As I grow older, I realised love is not always wonderful. It can hurt in so many ways and causes so much pain.

I feel so silly.

P said “Maybe that is his way of caring for your feelings. Maybe he does care but he is sparing a thought for you by drawing the line”.

It doesn’t make me feel any better to think that. Cos I feel the cut. I feel the distance between us spreading out like oceans apart. The sadness is almost unbearable.

Today, at the interview. I was asked “What are your dreams for the future?” and “Do you have intention to settle down anytime soon?”

I thought of you. The future that is not happening.

Painting a new picture of my future is the best gift I can give myself this year.