Parents and baby

There is something wonderful, sweet and warm about having a baby cling on to you and fall asleep in your embrace. A feeling of contentment holding on to the warmth of the trusting little sweetheart in your arms.

Yet, there is something about visiting a married couple who have just been given the joyful status of parenthood that makes you want to run a mile. You watch them bustling around, with ceaseless rounds of activity, just trying to please and pacify the little one. With no time for any decent conversation for each other and constantly on rotation shift trying to manage the baby. Looking tired and run-down, being irritable with each other, yet always able to summon up a smile for the baby.

MH is right. In her words “Having a baby will change your life completely.”

But, most people will still want to have children because of the joy. Maybe, it is because it somehow makes living feels more complete. Children leaves you with no time to feel the emptiness of life. Their smile will take away all the tiredness that you feel in a day. Their embrace makes you feel so wonderful. Their words bring smile to your face. And, the rest of the time, they just drive you crazy.  

Most of my parenting friends are just alternating between happiness and stressful frustration. But, the happiness seem to be overshadowing all the stressful frustration. So, that is good.

Breaklight

I like this poem which came in an elegant postcard from the Postcards Swap exchange.

Light keeps on breaking

I keep on knowing

the language of other nations

I keep hearing

Tree talk

Water words

And I keep knowing what they mean

And light just keeps on breaking

Last night, the fears of my mother came knocking

And when I opened the door

They tried to explain themselves

And I understood

Everything they said.

- Lucille Clifton-

This poem speaks to me because I can somehow relate to it.

When I was reading it, I think of the new places I have seen this year, the beauty that I have seen, people I met, the differences in their way of life, just sitting in a park, on the hillside and staring out at the far-away distance or by the riverside, enjoying a quiet moment. The feeling of contentment and peace. 

I think of some of my feelings this year. The realisation that the years just seem to fly by and you are no longer as young and carefree as you think. Where, without realising it, you are already one third or halfway through your life. You sit down to think about life and what is really important to you. You think about the life ahead and try to figure out what choices you should make in order to be happy. You realised that you do not want to stay in your comfort zone. You feel this desire to catch hold of life and fill it with meaningful experiences. The desire to explore more of the world, to take in more of nature’s beauty, experience different cultures and its people. The dawning realisation that you seem have a greater understanding of your parent’s’ perspective and you cannot quite place your finger to when this came about. 

All this pondering may have lead to feelings of confusions and lost. But, one thing is clear. The future is filled with possibilities and choices.  

Idle coffee talk

Had coffee with M yesterday.

On making babies.

M: I never thought trying to make a baby is so stressful.

Me: Stressing yourself reduces the probability. You should try to relax.

M: It’s hard. When you are busy with life in general and you have to count days and think about we should do it today or decide let’s not do it tonite but we have got to do it tmw. And then, there is the waiting and the wondering on the aftermath of it. Plus all the anticipation from the people around. I wish I get pregnant soon.

Me: Me too! Can’t wait to tramautise your kid.

——————————————————————————————

Me: Oh! I meet someone who reminds me of you. Only she is cornier and more psychotic.

M: Oh! So I am corny and psychotic?

Me: Yeah. And cranky too.

M: Darn. So now, I am being called corny, psychotic and cranky all in 1 lunch session. 

Me: At least, the “Fat” word is not out yet.

M: I don’t need you to tell me that. I know I am fat. Now, you have reminded me to ask you your most dreaded question. “Have I gained weight?”

Me: Just go back and ask your husband.

M: He tells me I am fat.

Me: Ok, so you are.

Down the memory lane

Once in a while, I will yearn to visit this place just for desserts.

Need a break

T asks if I like to go for a play this weekend. I am not sure it is a good idea to hang out every weekend, knowing the way I feel. I decided to cook up a excuse. I think taking a break is a good idea.

Beside my hesitancy about meeting too often, I am really feeling tired from all the drilling questions about who I am, what are my strengths and weaknesses, my future aspirations, my past experiences, family background, values, personality, etc, etc, etc. The constant selling of myself to perfect strangers. It is like someone trying to dissect my mind into different parts and me trying to pierce together different parts of me so that they will like what you see.

Social Animal?

I interviewed for the position I was very interested in this morning. I made a blunder. Quite a obvious one. But, I think I have a reasonable chance for the second round of interview because of my experience. I get the feeling that the interviewer is quite neutral about me but she does have some reservations if my personality suits the job.

Why?

Because the job requires a vivacious character who enjoys entertaining and socializing. The money is good. Very good. But, entertainment is part of the business. It is part and parcel of bringing in the business.

I have to admit I have my own personal reservations too. Of course, the remuneration is tempting. But, I can anticipate my stress level is going to be high in such an environment. The work stress is only one aspect of it. I can probably adjust to that. My main concern is the entertaining part. I have never been a party animal. I can be sociable when the occasion calls for it. But, I won’t enjoy the entertaining scene as a regular part of my life.

I have a feeling this is not the life I am seeking.

Anyway, it is not time to ponder since this is only the first round of the selection process.

Interviews

Had a 4 hours interview session today. It was interesting and I get their point that this is going to be a challenging but tough job. I also get the feeling that I am going to like the corporate culture and the opportunity for personal development. I am now expected to do a write-up on the 4 hours session as my final assessment criteria.

To be frank, I did not perform too well on the case study and on the spot activity. However, I get the feeling that they do like my profile and personality assessment. Btw, the personality assessment was amazingly accurate. Apparently, I am a very confident person who is very comfortable with myself. I am also have low tolerance for structure and am highly disorganised. I am highly creative and flexible. However, my level of certainty over future is low. (How accurate!)

Too tired to think now. Have another interview tomorrow morning. I am really keen on this position. Still have to prep myself for the interview. I must do well. I need to settle on a job soon. My birthday wish is to confirm a job before my birthday.

My Gap Year

This seems to be my gap year. A year of learning to let go of the past and finding my future to move into. It is a year spend in trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be moving from here. It is a year spend in self-reflection and rest. Not in running after targets and producing results. A year spend listening silently and looking at my life from afar. A year spend in spring cleaning my life and throwing out clutters that I want out of my life. A year spend in explorations but not expecting results. A year of anticipation for the new life ahead when I finally get everything together. I am happy for this gap year. I have learned new things and perspectives. I have let go of some old baggages and still learning to let go of others. A year of learning to try new things and letting go of expectations.

It is a good thing. This gap year. And now, I am now eager to move on.

What do ladies talk about?

 

Had dinner with some classmates recently. At 21, 31, 41 and 51, we represent 3 decades of diversity. So, what do we talk about? Or rather, bitch about? …………Er…..can’t remember how the topic came about….but……the sizzling hot topic of the nite was…..Er…..the sexual habits of a lecturer….how scandalous of us, rite? Am still properly horrified and amused as to why we were on the topic.  

Another interview

Finally, received a call from Company xxxx to go for an interview. This is the position I am most interested in. Happy. Happy. Happy.