Vagabond At Heart

Y is back! This time round, she will be staying for 2 weeks for Chinese New Year.

I am so happy. I need some cheering up. Great timing!

It takes being there seeing your smiles and blissfulness in the most important day of your life.

But, it finally sinks in. Just how insignificant the past is. Whatever memories or feelings that I was holding onto are all insignificant.

You have moved on so far ahead and created a whole different life for yourself. A life that seems perfect in the way you want it to be. Career, love, your own family. You looked so happy and pleased with life. She looks….demurely sweet and radiantly happy. Blissful. So in love. Happy and confident, basking in your love. Like I told P, “She doesn’t even look bitchy! She looks so sweet and demure, hanging on to his arms, a perfect picture of the woman behind a successful man.” I can’t even hate her. Or you, for that matter.

Looking at her, I feel stupid and empty. I have been freezing myself in the same spot, wasting my youth and bottling my feelings for so long. Not giving anyone else a chance nor giving myself a chance to move on. I feel so incredibly stupid. Stupid is an understatement.

The myriad of feelings pulsing through me are too complexed. However, they are not the most important thing. Granted that these feelings are suffocating me. But, like what the cab driver kindly told me before I alighted, ” Xiao Mei, Zai Shan Xin De Si Duo Hui Guo Qu De. ” (No matter how sad you are, this too, shall pass.)  

What is important now is the future. I must move on. For real. I must build my own future. In future, I do not want to walk alone. I do not want to be as lonely as I was. I do not want to shut myself up emotionally. I want to walk down the rest of my future with someone, holding hands together, building our future together.

My part of the story must go on. Just as yours will. We will both be living our life stories separately. And that is not such a bad thing.

Adios, my friend. I won’t be seeing you much. Maybe, our contact may just fade into non existence. And, I have accepted that this may be a good thing for me.

The Complaint Choir was nowhere in sight when we arrived eagerly at the Speakers’ Corner this afternoon. Apparently, the event was cancelled! Mr Brown blogged about this in his blog. 

Update from The Necessary Stage:

“URGENT Saturday 26th - We’ve just gotten news about our license application for THE COMPLAINTS CHOIR PROJECT (performances at various public spaces today). While we were given a license, this is a conditional one - no foreigners (i.e. a handful of the participants, the artists themselves and our conductor) are allowed to perform with the Choir. This is across the board and not only applicable for Speaker’s Corner (which has a regulation that states that non-Singaporeans aren’t allowed to perform there).”

When I realised the reason it was cancelled, I was torn between disgust and amusement. I wonder if there is another country in this world who grants a conditional permit for a performance, let the organiser flies in the performers, then, at the last minute, the relevant authority decides not to allow the performance. Whatever happens to the drive to promote this tiny island as a hub for performing arts?

What a bummer! They have 2 more shows this afternoon but nobody seems to be free on such a short notice. Haiz…I really want to catch the show but dun feel like going alone. I can do most things alone but catching a performance alone feels weird. At least, it feels weird in Singapore. If I am overseas, I probably will just go ahead happily. There is something about this place that makes me feel very restrainted somehow. There is always this fear of appearing weird to people I don’t really give a damn about. Well, there is always a first. Maybe, if nobody is really available, I may just pop down alone. Haiz…life of a spinster is starting.

Anyway, I feel really bad towards D cos we were visiting her friend’s gallery and left rather hurriedly in order to catch the performance. D did not even get to do much catching up. So sorry, dear.

She was a very good sport about it. We went for desserts and a spot of shopping instead.

The highlight of the day was when she shared her good news!!! I am so happy for her! In 9 months, we have another adorable baby to play with. *wide grin*

I am not going to read any more book by Haruki Murakami. Too twisted for me to appreciate. Not even going to finish the one I have on hand. Am just going to throw it out. Literally. Trashed.

I turned down a position this morning.

It is a good opportunity to gain global exposure and offers plenty of networking opportunities in the finance and banking sector. The structure is very performance driven and offers international transfer opportunities for anyone who can perform.

It seems like a good opportunity. I turned it down because I did not feel entirely comfortable with the environment and people. This may seem like a silly reason. When contemplating my decision, I keep having a nagging feeling that this is not an environment I want to work in. The other factor that seals my decision was the consideration that the actual job scope does not value add to my experience if I consider it without the global exposure element. 

I called the manager to convey my decision. After putting down the phone, I was even more convinced that my decision was a right one.

I ran into another department’s head after work yesterday. He kindly offered me a ride home. I learnt that he is looking to expand his team and he is willing to train someone from scratch. It strikes me that this could be a good entry point for me but I am hesitant due a variety of factors. Giving it more thoughts.

Meanwhile, another interview tomorrow.

Seems like I am functioning again. This is good.

In another 15 hours.

You will be saying “I do” to the woman you love.

I will be in another venue watching A’s hubby serenade her as their special item, sipping wine and catching up with old friends.

3 hours later, I will be at your wedding venue, in time to catch your special item. Listening to the lyrics that you specially pen for the woman of your life.

Life is ironic sometimes. All of this is starting to feel kind of surreal to me. Even before the actual events happening. 

I came across this song on Poppy Fields’ blog recently. Nice and catchy. I find myself humming to its tune repeatedly. Like the MV too.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2wfiw_yael-naim-new-soul_music

|Complaining is something of a national sport in Singapore. Just look at the number of irate letter-writers to newspaper forums, vocal housewives on radio shows and taxi drivers who insist on heatedly expounding their views to hapless passengers in the city state.

A passed me her original ROM dress as a bridemaid dress cos she is wearing this instead.

So sweet of her. I am really happy that she is wearing the dress for her ROM. And of course, now, I have a new dress too! Haha!

Now, all we have to do is to think of evil ways to sabotage the groom and his entourage.

I am looking forward to her wedding.

I am going to make this for the next pot-luck. It is nice, simple and elegant. Yummy.

For the crust: 

200g digestive biscuits 

80 soft butter mixed to form crust.

Mixed them and freeze till hard.

Marshmallow center:

150g marshmallow

200ml whipped cream

300ml fresh milk

2 teaspoon gelatine

Mixed them and boiled over small fire till all ingredients melted.

Pour in cake tin over the crust.

Freeze slightly. When surface harden, arrange fruits on top.

The finishing: 

1/2 packet of tortally jelly

200ml water

2 teaspoon gelatine

Mixed them and boiled over small fire.

Pour cooled mixture over fruits and chilled till set.