Vagabond At Heart

Spend the day with P since we are both starting with our respective new jobs tomorrow. We are both excited and nervous. Over tea, our conversation jolt an old memory which I shared with her. After I finished telling her the story, this thought came to mind. I failed to trust that you knew your limit then. After the past one year of my own struggling, I can fully comprehend how you felt then. What I could not understand then, I could now. I can now fully understand and appreciate your feelings then cos it mirrors my current feelings. I just want to say I am sorry.

Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is of less account.

John Gardner

“Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place, there will be along with the feelings of curiousity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.”

–Wendell Berry, Naturalist–

This quote perfectly describes how I feel currently. Looking at the fear of unknown as my first bond into the future actually heightened my excitement!

It feels like everytime we meet up, you are always updating me about a new relationship, proposal plans or wedding plans. On occasions where you tell me things are not going well, I was always taken aback that you had already broken off, and had someone new in your life, the next time we met again. Yet, I know you are not the frivolous kind. You are decent, responsible, dependable and steadfast. What I find personally appealing is your thoughtfulness combined with your innate logic and a hint of humor. Maybe, that is where your attraction lies. Your personality combines with all the attributes that denote you an eligible bachelor in all senses of our society. I have never met any of your girlfriends. But, I have no doubt that they are all good looking and attractive despite their different personalities. Since I known you, you had already walked through 4 or 5 relationships.

The last proposal did not work out. But, somehow, I always felt that you guys will get back together. Cos’ compared to the previous ex, I think you are really happy with her. I could see your eyes lighting up when you talked about her.

This time round, you tell me that you are getting married to this new girl you met through a friend. You proposed within a few months of the relationship. I know your last proposal was also within a year of the relationship. But, that feels very different. Cos within 2 months into the relationship, you were already talking of marriage. An atittude that was a complete turnaround in the space of a few months. I could see you were perfectly happy in love and eager to commit yourself to her.

This time round, I can’t help questioning if it is just the circumstances in your life that is leading you to propose. Yet, I can see that you are really serious about it. You guys have done alot of planning, discuss important issues for the future and done your pre-marriage  course with your church mates. But, somehow, when you tell me all these stuff, there is a lack of sparkle in you that was very evident the last time you were contemplating marriage. It almost feel like you are approaching it from a task oriented perspective.

This time round, I can’t help thinking you were giving in to the practicalities of life in approaching marriage as your next stage of life. I suppose you are mainly making this decision for your family. This is not my concern and I am really in no position to judge. But, I actually walked away from lunch feeling kind of downcast.

Ok, I will admit it. A part of the melancholy was me lamenting that I never have the chance to explore the possibility. But then, I have always seen it as an impossible possibility cos of the differences in our backgrounds and our expectations. And anyway, I know that you have plenty of better choices. What I feel is just an attraction but I have never put my heart in it. My heart has always been somewhere else with another person.

But, a large part of my melancholy stemmed from wondering if you are making the right decision. But, of course, that is your decision to make. And, in your own words, “I did feel kind of strange after I proposed. It took me a while to settle into the notion. We have been doing the stuffs and done the course. So, I kind of got adjusted to it and it is really fine now.”

So, maybe marriage is a notion we need to work on. After all, there is a good number of people out there who took the step towards marriage because it is practical. You may not think the person is the one you love the most. But there is a need to move on. You see some qualities in this person that make you think it is possible for you to commit spending the rest of your life together. You want to move on to the next stage of life. You jumped into it and you work out the issues together after that.

I still can’t decide if I should be happy for you. Well, I hope you will be happy.

Maybe, I am the one who is too idealistic, asking for the best of both worlds. I have always wanted to be one of those couples who look like they belong WITH each other. Not one of those couples who appear to be tied down with marriage, not with each other.

Conversation with boss over lunch.  

Conversations with colleagues.

Conversations with clients.

Not just on work but also on life. Many different aspects of life.

Love. Family. Career. Passions. Friendship. Relationship.

Being a woman. A wife. A mother. A child. A friend.

Being a man. A husband. A father. A child. A friend.

Being a boss. A subordinate. A colleague.

Corporate environment.

Evolving friendships.

Juggling the delicate balance of family relationships.

Balancing life.

Changes. Lots of changes.

What is important at different stages of our lives.

Constant struggles with ourselves.

Contents pertaining to ourselves and people we know.

A mingling of different emotions and thoughts floating around in my head.

Creating.

Gladness and sadness.

Anticipation and nervousness.

A eagerness to move on and yet, an instinctiveness to hold on.

Sadness in letting go.

Thankfulness. Alot of it.

Touched. Really touched.

Happiness too.

Appreciated.

Surprise.

New perspectives.

Understanding.

Bringing.

Confusions and clarity.

Side by side.

And, also. Questions. Lots and lots of questions to myself.

All these bits and pieces leading to one major obvious conclusion.

I am closing a chapter of my life.

This chapter may be closed. But, it is not gone. This chapter will help shape and mould the remaining chapters of my life.

It is important to me still. I guess, that explains the sadness lingering in the air.

But, from now on, it is not my priority anymore.

I have new chapters to write. The questions floating from this chapter will contribute their influences to these new chapters I am writing. Not in totality. Cos, the present and future have to be the main driving force.

“I guess I have always known it but I have never really believe it. Until now.”

Why it is so hard to believe good things about ourselves?

This is a hectic week cos I am starting on my new job next week. I left the office at 11pm today after rushing around in a frenzy all day. Am too tired to write more but I want to remind myself that it was worth it. To have clients reinforce and demostrate their trust in me before I leave, was definitely worth it. It makes everything worth it.

I feel very heartened and grateful. This is a good way to leave and move on to a new start.

I sneaked out today and skipped my afternoon dose of medication to avoid the drowsiness.

Cos’ I really wanted to go to the Times warehouse book sales.

Can’t say it was fantastic. Can’t find any of the best sellers nor travel literature that I wanted. No Alice Steinbach or any Bill Bryson in sight. But, hey! It is a whole hall full of books on sales. And I certainty wasn’t about to come back empty-handed. After combing the hall diligently, I ended up with 13 books. This shall be my hoard of fiction for this year. Between CFA materials and these new buys, I have plenty of reading to keep me occupied

I got started on Atonement by Ian McEwan cos I missed the movie. Wanted to know what the story is all about.

Ok, I think Atonement is a boring read.

Let’s see.

The study guide recommends we study a minimum of 250 hours, including reviewing the mock exams. Considering that I am a very slow reader when it comes to reading technically inclined materials, I probably need 250 hours to finish studying the materials.

So, if I study 2 hours on 3 weekdays and Sat, plus 7.5 hours on Sun. That is a total of 15.5 hours per week. In 4 months, I can complete the materials.

I will be able to start on the supplementary materials by 1st Sept 2008. Enough time to cover the S. notes and mock exams.

That is, if I am disciplined in keeping to schedule.

Just looking at the books. I have to admit that my confidence is wavering. Well, I had studied all these before. Even if it is like almost a decade back, I should be able to pick it all up again.