Replies

These replies are getting too familiar.

“It is all in the system.” 

“It is all in the files.”

“It is all in the procedures.”

“It is all in the financials.”

“It is all in the intranet.”

“Just follow exactly.”

“Call ABC, XYZ, etc.” Sorry, who?

“Just raise the ABC and XYZ.” Qn: Sorry, what is ABC and XYZ? “U have the ABC, don’t you? Er..how come yours don’t have? Don’t know why like that leh? Why you don’t have ah?”

Qn: Sorry, how do I check ABC? I tried from DEF system and got this figure. Just like to confirm if this is the proper way to check?

Reply: I don’t use DEF cos it is may not be accurate.

Qn: So where can I verify the information?

Reply: When we handle the account long enough, we usually know.

Qn: So, in this case, where can I verify?

Reply: As I told you, when we handle the case long enough, we know.

/// persisted doggedly. Qn: In this case, who can i ask?

Reply: Oh, the person left already. Anyway, it is all in the system lah. You need to check.

???

Maybe, I am just stupid. That must be the case.

Today is just one of those days that seems to start with an uplifting high but yet ends with an  incredible sadness in my heart. A sadness that springs up from a mingling of a series of events, catching me off guard with its intensity.

I just need to go sleep it off. Tomorrow is definitely a busy day at work. Which is good. That will keep my mind occupied, too busy to ponder over negative thoughts.

 

a tiny step

08/03/08

I am starting to have a tiny little sense of what is going on where work is concerned. Or at least who to turn to for issues that I have handled before. Who to approach for approval and follow up, etc. For the newer things, I am still as lost as ever. But, I am encouraged by the tiny little sense telling me that things seem less confusing to me as I was going through my work. I am also a little more relaxed.

I am attending a client’s event tmw and have a client’s meeting schedule in the later part of the week. I figure just thinking about the impeding clients’ sessions is more frightening than actually doing it. So, I may as well jump right into it and get it over and done with. At least, I will have a better understanding of what is expected of me. Once, that is established. I can move on to other portfolios. The sooner I move on, the faster I get out of this stressed transition period.

Now, if only, I do not feel so out of place among my colleagues. They are not mean. In fact, they are rather nice. Just different, I guess. Different demographics. No common topics about maids, problem with school bus operators, etc. Being so new, they probably even find it awkward to gossip about office stuff in front of me. They are rather close. I am finding it rather hard to fit in. Well, it has only been a few days. These things take time, I suppose. Meanwhile, every lunchtime sees me trying to find if any of my friends nearby can meet for lunch. On days that they cannot make it. I lunched alone feeling rather downcast. Which is ironic cos I never have any problems with eating alone before. But then, I never have problem with having no lunch companions either. Most of the time, I ate alone only because I choosed to or I was in a rush.   

On a brighter note, my ex-colleagues are really sweet. The few messages of concern I received today really warmed my heart. And hooray, X may have a meeting nearby this week and volunteer to meet me for lunch.

Does it have to do with age

12/03/08

Everyday I wake up and I feel tired.

Every night when I get home, I feel tired. Not physically. Rather the mind draining kind of tiredness.

Not sure where the main bulk of the tiredness is coming from. Is it the work stress, trying to figure out the systems, understand the reports and struggling to string together bits and pieces of information to make some sense of things so that I do not appear too inadequate? Or trying to curb my sense of inadequancy in a completely new environment.

I am also completely freaked out with the crowds. Every morning, I think of the crazy crowd at the train station and I want to run a mile. Squeeze..elbow…push…in all ways & manners. This is like the biggest shock in joining the mad hour rush every day. Twice a day. No, I forget the lunch hour crowd. So, it is 3 times a day. That day, we took 20 mins before we could get a seat for lunch cos it was raining. I have learned to sleep standing on the train just so that I could partially tune out the crowd.

I can’t decide which is the part that I find most draining. Adapting to work, people, system or routine.

This is only the second week into my new life and I feel so tired. I take comfort in knowing that I seem to have a better sense of how things function as compared to last week. Chin up! Transition is always hard. It can only gets easier.

Another personality profile

Reminder to self: I must re-take the DISC test again. My D seems to be rather low recently. I am rather amazed by my patience recently. Somehow I seem to turn into a high S person in highly volatile situation.

You are an EXPLORER / negotiator

You are a highly spontaneous person who always likes to try new things. Novel and unpredictable situations don’t bother you; instead you find them challenging and exciting.

You tend to be focused and resourceful and you are able to juggle a lot of projects at the same time; as a result you are sometimes a whirlwind of activity.

You have a firm grip on reality and enjoy living in the present tense. But you have a keen imagination that enables you to lift off from time and space to be remarkably creative.

You are humorous. You are able to laugh at yourself, and you like entertaining others.

You have a deep sense of compassion. You can show genuine insight into the needs of others; you are good at listening and talking; and you express a genuine desire to be helpful.

Yet you are easy-going. Your tolerance for others and their beliefs, your lack of prejudice, your ability to compromise and your occasional antics make you popular with others and a great companion.

Nice!

I seem to have a knack for meeting nice people at work. So far, the colleagues I met are really nice. Of course there are still a couple of nasty ones but let’s just forget they exists.

I think the people in my team are rather nice and seem like good sports. So far so good.

My ex-colleagues are great too. X came down to have lunch with me last week. W and A wanted to come down for lunch this week but I was on leave. D called to cheer me up during lunch today cos she knew I was feeling down. Miss them.

Just some thoughts

Death is alot easier to accept when you know the person you love had lived a full and meaningful life, without much regrets, and you recognised that it was his time to go.

J and I had this conversation. My 2nd uncle is old. Somehow, we recognised that one day he would be gone. That fear had always been weighting at the back of our minds. Something that we dreaded. But, when it came, it was not as bad as we envisioned it to be. Of course, we are very sad but we find ourselves accepting his death quite naturally. I guess it helped that he didn’t suffer too much and was blessed with all his children and grandchildren by his side.

My uncle will always hold a special heart in our hearts. We are convinced that the bond that was build in our initial childhood years is irreplaceable. He probably changed more diapers for us than our mums ever did. He was the person we turned to for every big and little things when we were staying with him.

My parents loves me very much. I feel it and have never doubt their loves for me. But, somehow, 2nd uncle still have a special place in my heart. He was the only one of my uncles that I felt close to. For J, his bond was even closer. He probably looked upon 2nd uncle as his closest kin.  In one of the idle moments, J turned to my nephew who grew up with us and asked,” Do you feel that you are closer to your grandfather as compared to your mum?” My nephew nodded and we gave each other knowing smiles of understanding. This thought came to mind. Someday, if I have my own kids, I hope I can have the option of staying at home to take care of them. At least, for the initial few years.

My 2nd uncle’s youngest grandchild and his eldest one are 21 years apart in age. Looking at the pair of them together, I was somehow touched. The little boy looking up at his eldest cousin in awe, while the young man tenderly ruffled the hair of his youngest cousin and took special care of him. Both of them held a special place in my uncle’s heart. His eldest grandson who he took care of and his youngest grandson who he prayed so hard for.

The realisation that age really mellows a person. Just by looking at all the familiar faces all around.

I feel old. I used to be the youngest grandchild in the family. Now the youngest grandchild is less than 10. Most of my nieces and nephews are 18 to 25. It is hard not to feel old when the 18 to 25s  started talking about their little cousins and telling me how old they feel. Different era lah. But, it was quite fun too.

Lots of flashbacks. Images of my uncle in my childhood days. Then, later, images of going to his house for dinners or just spend a day there during school holidays. And yet, later, images of him during family occasions and new years, asking me about my job, urging me to get marry so that he can see me get hitched. Guess this is my one regret. Both dad and 2nd uncle, unable to witness my wedding if I do get married. Was telling J, that uncle gave me a red packet the first time I went overseas. In reply, he told me, “Me too. I got a red packet too the first time I went for a trip.” We lapsed into silence, thinking of our kindly uncle.

During a conversation with my cousin. She was telling my nieces that the 2 kindest men among the family had both left. My 2nd uncle and my dad. “Ah goong is a really good man. So is my uncle(dad). He is also another really good man.” I feel very comforted that there is someone who still remember and appreciates my dad.

Saying goodbye: day IV

This is the 3rd day that I got home at 5.30am. It will also be the last day since tmw is funeral. My nieces and nephews were playing some silly games with forfeit. Had alot of fun watching them and joining in. We took some silly pictures. It is good that not all memories of the wake are sad. There are little moments where we crack jokes, do silly stuff as a family. These are the moments that I want to remember. Moments with cousins, nieces and nephews. It is in these moments that I truly feel the ties of kinship. As one cousin put it,”In moments like this, you learned that the people who turned up are the ones who truly matters.”  As an extended family, we may be leading our separates lives. But, in moments of death and illnesses, we always gather cos we are still family. It is also through these events that we explore and renew our common heritage as family. We tell and listen to tales of the old kampong days when everyone were staying under one roof with my grandparents heading the household. Beneath these tales, there lies a common bonding of shared family ties and history.

However, I often feel that with the passing on of the elder members, it is inevitable that these ties will be dilluted sooner or later. It is already happening. Our nieces and nephews from different branches of the family barely know each other. They hang around only with cousins within the same branch of the family tree.

As I told J, with the passing on of 2nd uncle, I only have one more elderly uncle whose presence make a difference in helping to maintain our ties of kinship. Even then, more often than not, the differences generally translated to New Year’s visit and special occasions. Once this uncle is gone, our extended family ties will be pretty diffused and distanced.

2nd uncle’s death feels to me like the start of a permanent close with the link of my childhood life and family heritage. The span of events happening in my life recently seems to be moving me forward to close different chapters of my life and moving on to start afresh in a new book.

Love. Family. Career. Everything is starting on a blank sheet.

On a sidenote. It seems that there is less and less things to keep me grounded in one place. The people that truly matters to me over the past 3 decades are getting less and less. No love to keep me here. Family is getting simpler. Only one major consideration. My mum. I am starting afresh on the career front. The decision to switch career also stems from the fact that I think some relevant experiences will help increase my mobility in terms of skills set. Put it simply, if there comes a day when I am in the position to seriously consider working somewhere else and need a job to feed myself. I hope these experiences can help me get there.

ok, the tired brain needs to sleep now. 

Through the eyes of an eight years old

My uncle’s youngest grandchild is 8 years old.

The day before, his 12 years old sister was telling me, “He doesn’t know that grandfather is dead cos he doesn’t know what death is. He keeps asking when is grandfather coming back.”

Yesterday, my cousin told me that his little boy was asking, “Is the ah goong inside the box the real ah goong? Or just a fake one?”

His older cousin tried to explain to him that ah goong dead and is not coming back To which, the little 8 years old declared, “I know” and skipped away merrily.

Looking at him, I want to be 8 years old again.

Saying goodbye: day II

5.57am. Just got back from the funeral site. In keeping with our tradition, the immediate family is rotating shifts to keep watch at night. I just wanted to stay one night. Just as a gesture of the final act of affection for 2nd uncle. Some private time to say my personal goodbyes to him. 

I wanted to stay till morning. But, by 4.30, I am up curled up on the floor mat, catching badly needed winks.  At 5am, we decided to go home.

Too.,..tired to be continued.