Vagabond At Heart

Time really flies.

This time last year, I was alone on the plane to Europe.

Fast forward one year later, life may seems pretty much the same on the surface but the number of changes in my life and the people around me are plentiful and significant.

This time last year , we were having this conversation.

Earlier today, you msg me to ask why I did not update you abt my new job. I hv yet to reply cos I need to keep my distance. Distance is my protective barrier. W just happened to mention that you guys were having lunch. It was just an offhand remark but I found myself spending the better part of the afternoon staring at documents and not registering whatever it is I was supposed to register.

Coffee over L’s birthday.

A perfect day.

Went to watch Formula Drift with ex-colleagues. Was fascinated with the engines.

My little wish that came true. I am thankful for it.

More chilling….

Just chilling…

C and I were both very amused by this sign and subsequently relieved that the peacocks did not try to mate with her car.

This pile of books is getting more attention but the 2 that I read so far are really boring. Atonement and small circle of beings are not my thing at all. Too dark and depressive. The second pile that I got at the second books sale is more successful. “A year in the Merde” was an amusing read to distract me from the elbowing train crowd on my way to work. The first few chapters had me laughing uncontrollably, raising a few eyebrows and stares from my fellow commuters. Anyone who has been in Paris and put up with their bloody rudeness will be amused. Brought back some er..unwelcome albeit amusing images of me yelling at the french policeman in Paris, telling him exactly what I think of french people. Very uncool.

Er.. the textbooks that I have been sadly neglecting and shoved to the back of my mind. After a whole week of looking at financial statements at work, the last thing I want to do after leaving office is to study financial statements analysis. I do need to get my act together soon. Haiz…

From M:) I prefer to loop it up at waist with a belt and wear with jeans but maybe I will wear it as a dress the next time we catch up. 

This time last year, my cousin got her new home. This year, another cousin got his own place. In another 2 years, maybe I can get my own place too.

Finally found the pictures that I took last year at the outdoor performance of The Midsummer’s Nite Dream.

Before I started on this job, I must have watched at least 3 movies the week before. The liberty of sneaking into the movie theatre on a weekday afternoon alone to get some peace is a luxury that I know I have to give up in this job. Nowadays, my movie time is likely to be only on a friday night.

Another reason to adore my cousin & cousin in law. Their fabulous cooking!

Love the crabs. Yummy…

The taste of childhood. It was a simple meal that was reflective of the simple man that my uncle was. I loved his simple cooking. Simple fare but greatly cherished. The chilli was made from his own recipe. We grew up with the taste and fond memories. I lingered over the meal, alone in my memories, trying to drag out the memories of my beloved uncle. In a bizzare way, it felt like my way of saying goodbye to him.

Even the coffee was brewed in my uncle’s signature way. The rest of my cousins couldn’t really appreciate it except my uncle’s children, J and myself. We loved it. For the same reasons, it has the stamp of our childhood in it. This simple aroma of coffee that we all grown up with. I rememer being a toddler, making plan the night before, with my cousins to wake up early in the morning at 5-6am so that we could pester my uncle for a few sip of that coffee. Sometimes, we did wake up early enough and made such a clamor that uncle obliged with half a cup for us to share. I remember the simple joy and contentment of that few sips of coffee. The warmth of that delicious aroma. Mostly our childish delight. It is funny how little things in life (like food) are often associated with the most important things in our lives to re-surface from our memories in our lives ahead.  

Family outing. Just want to take a picture with aunt.

Mother’s Day

The strength of blood ties. Despite decades of differences. Despite living our own separate lives. We are still family that will gather in times of need.     

                                    The Nutty Cousins

I hate the part of me that is forever warning myself to tread with care, to do the right things, to exercise caution and not allow myself to get hurt. It is this part of me that had overprotected myself, curbed my impulses and inevitably caused more hurt to myself. Alot more hurt than if I would to follow my heart, let go of my pride and cast caution to the winds, allow myself to make more mistakes and learn the meaning of life through these mistakes. Allow myself to live a life that is to my heart’s content.

Deep down in my heart, I recognise that I am causing more hurt in the long run to myself by restraining myself. Yet, I made the same mistake over and over again. I am quite happy to take new steps forward in other aspects of my life.  But, when it comes to love, I turn into a freaking coward, always afriad to bare my heart and soul in the fear of getting hurt. Always afriad to take the leap forward. Why do I have so little faith? Which part of me is a witch that doesn’t deserve to be love? Or it is the physical attributes? Or family background? I do not think I am even close to a ogre in both personality and looks. Figure can do with some help but am presentable enough. So, why do I keep making the same mistake to cut myself off from possibility of happiness? Why is there the need to put up this mask of self sufficiency and independence? When deep down, I would really appreciate being taken care of and having someone to lean on? Someone to share my life with. Why is it so hard to admit it out loud?

If I continue like that, then I will continue life with this empty gap in my live. And, really, I only have myself to blame. I want someone to love. Someone to love me and share a life with. Someone to built a family with. Then, why is it so hard for me to take the leap of faith to move out of my shell? What am I waiting for? Dreams do not just drop out of the sky. I know only too well that I need to do something to turn dreams into reality. I infuriate the hell out of myself sometimes. How could I allow myself to be so passive in this part of my life that I deem to be so important? For so long and just watch the drift of people in my life drift out of it and move on with their lives?

I decided to shake off the feeling of guilt and ignore the image of the stackS of work piling up in the office and have a lazy Sunday. Work is never-ending. In the space of just one month, work seem to have taken over my life. Of course, this is initial adjustment period where everything is new and foreign to me. Where I do have to put in more hours and efforts to manage both work and expectations. But, it is still important to strike a sense of balance and well being. I seem to be in a constant state of stress and tiredness everyday. And this is no good. I need to break this routine of working over the weekend. I need to somehow relax and contain the stress to working hours. 

I can well imagine regreting my decision tomorrow when I am confronted with my desk, emails and incessant phone calls. But, for now, I am really over the moon about having a complete weekend away from the office! Hooray! I had a really lazy Saturday, catching up on sleep. Had a really lazy Sunday morning surfing the web, watching TV. Gonna spend the afternoon reading my choice select from my steals at the book fair. We are going out for Mother’s Day dinner at Jumbo later to feast on our favourite pepper crabs. This is heavenly! The best weekend ever since I started work.