The meaningless of it all

6 months in a corporate job and I find that I barely remember what having a life means.

It is not even some high flying job. Just a job with multiple responsibilities and vulgarities of life in a corporate environment piling up.

Vulgarities in multiples form. Taking kickass shit from being the new kid on the block. Picking up the phone and getting veiled threats by my customers’ barbaric staff to make concession for their pushy request or else they take their business elsewhere. Being yelled at by their secretaries who need me to proof read every word that they type and who deemed it my fault for not telling them that 17 days is not 1 month. Putting up with the clerk whom I dubbed “The Phantom”. And being on the receiving end of corporate tai-chi. Being micro managed.

It is not that I dislike the job extremely. I find my role interesting. However, due to the system or the absence of proper system, I am spending 80% of my time boggling with day to day shit which be of only 20% in its importance. The 80% vital and crucial role that I should be focusing on are left piling.

Frustrated is an understatement. Last that I checked my job description does not state being a clerk. Everyday,  I am a clerk, a despatch, a hotline officer, a helpdesk of all sorts. I am like the gal friday rushing dizzily all over office. I do not know whether to find it comforting or hopeless that the few new people I talked to feel the same way. But the older batch of people are all left untouched with a distinct taint of mild detachment and amusement. One in particular. After hours of this at 6pm when the phone finally stopped ringing, I find myself too disoriented to be feeling analytically competent to look at my reports. But, I do it. And all I want to do at the end of everyday is to go home web the surf and look forward to sleeping. From Monday to Friday, all I do is look forward to sleeping late on Saturday. 

After 6 months of these, I am questioning the meaning of it all. Other than the fact that I need money to feed myself and so obviously I need a job. Why am I living my life this way? The realisation strikes that I never knew the true meaning of having a black monday or the constraints in a corporate environment for last years.

Still, I need to hang on cos I need to build up my resume and experience.

What does it tell you?

I have been trying to search for the right adjectives to describe how I feel towards my current job. For some reasons, there seems to be no right adjectives adapt enough.

I was struggling to describe how I feel over dinner to P last week when she asked, “So, do I take it that you are not going to feel really bad if you are not confirmed? And in fact, you are likely to take it with a tinge of relief?”

In reply to my thoughtful nod, she stressed meaningfully, “So what does it tell you? Isn’t it obvious?”

Feasting weekend

Friday. Feast buffet style. Lobsters, cod fish, cavier, goose liver, desserts. Free flow wine. Lychee Martinis..got too high for my own good. And blame it on the waiters for doing too good a job in topping up. Tsk tsk…not sure how to face certain people tmw.

Sat. Barbeque. Lots of meats. Beef ribs. 2 kind of porks. Chicken. Wrapped with lettuce. Korean style. Fried rice. Otak. Apple sturdel. Devils Eggs. Almond jelly. Lots of wines. Red. White. Champagne. Beer. Whiskey. With the worse hangover in my personal history still hanging and having C and J there to tell me embarassing details of the night before (I called them and tell them the same silly things repeatedly), I skipped the acohol and sipped oolong tea all night.

Sun. Family dinner to celebrate mum’s birthday. Lots of seafood. German pork knuckle. Finally vegetables. Washed down with lots of chinese tea. Finishing with the durian cake I brought.

How to self detect extreme laziness

When you decided to snipe off the matching button on the other sleeve instead of retaining the  button for sewing on later.

Fate is sealed

For the time being anyway.

Guess the letter sealing my fate temporarily should be on the way. Hopefully, I get the tiny pay raise that was recommended despite rocky market conditions.

So now, I bid my time here and try to relax while learning on the job.

Pondering

“Work to live or live to work?”

With my confirmation fast approaching, I find myself pondering over this question.

My choice is obviously work to live but recently, I have been feeling like I live to work. In which case, life seem rather meaningless. Am pondering on the suitability of the job and what I can do about it.

Unnecessary trussle

I spend too much time yelling at my mum.

Today, I actually told my mum something along the line of ” I am yelling at you for your own good!” Jesus! I actually sounded like my parents all those years ago. This is bad. It must be the age. And, I am actually telling it to my mum. Or rather yelling it to her. And I have been yelling at her for 2 days.

And then, I spend even more time feeling bad about yelling at her. Maybe that was what my parents felt all those years bad. Must be the karma floating around. In which case, I should have my turn of getting yelled at by my kids.

And also, too much time in a trussle with myself between anger and self righteous vs guilt and sympathy. Very fun indeed.

And really, too much time downloading each espisode to those sympathetic ears of friends and cousins. Although, I have to say, often recounting the incidents often make it amusing enough to make me feel lots better.

I am really thankful to these people for their selfless voluntary listening ears. Especially my cousin who, not only bear the blunt of it but also is the one who can truly understand and empatize.

Our cousin-ly bonding lies in our issues with mothers. It did occupied to us that maybe, someday, our childen can carry on the family tradition of gathering together to bitch about us. Could be why none of us have any kids yet.

Over dinner

today, out of the blue, P asked, “So, did you ask the man how are things at work?”
I could not resist smiling, “You do know me very well. I did sms him.”

P: So, how are things with him?

Me: He said alright. Anyway, I know he can handle it somehow.

P: So, are you meeting him?

Me: He asked but I brush it off. Good enough to know he is well, alive and kicking. Don’t really want to meet him.

P (with a bemused look): Also good. Guess you better not.

Carefree moments

The next backpacking trip is booked for Jan. It feels like too long to wait.

Beach holidays plan is out. Contemplating to bring mum for a cruise but only if aunt is able to join us

Mamma Mia!

The movie is wonderfully lighthearted and funny to watch. Just the right diversion on a Friday night to uplift stressful souls from work and set the mood for weekend. *wide grin* I feel all at peace with the world after an absolutely relaxed day away from work and all that pampering. Sleeping in late, facial, massage, catching up with ex-colleague over dinner, gelato, latte and Mamma Mia with W.

A completely useless day that does wonder for my spirit.

It has been a while since I feel so relaxed.