I copied this title from here qui tacet consentire videtur website.
Six and a half years ago, I decided to embark on this career cos I wanted to pursue a fulfilling career without the usual constraints in a corporate environment. I wanted the freedom of time to take care of my family and to pursue financial renumerations without any ceiling. Cos six and a half years ago, my mother was constantly sick and needed alot of attention and care.
Six and a half years ago, I was 24 and having just survived ordeals of illnesses and death in the family, money was very important to me. Being placed in a position where I had no choice but to put aside pride and accept financial aid from relatives, instilled a strong sense of insecurity and fear in me that I thought money could help dispel.
Six and a half years ago, I met you when I embarked on this career. Having given up a stable monthly salary to start on a full commissioned career, I was driven by fear and worked my gut out. Those days, I worked long hours and read up diligently every night. I looked pathetically run down every day but I was driven by determination. I was naive, unschooled and emotional. There were many hard knocks and disappointments along the way. But, it is these disappointments and knocks that made every triumphs and successes so rejoiceful. Every dollar and every step forward was hard earned. You were there with me every step of the way. You and a few close friends were my greatest source of strength and comfort.
And that is how you become so important to me. Unwittingly, the bond was created and unconsciously, I learned to open up my heart to you. Till today, you are still the first person I think of when I need comfort. It is a habit I need to weed.
For six and a half year, I harboured a hope that someday, mum can be well enough to be off medication. And till recently, I was very confident that this was going to be a reality. I looked forward happily to that day where we can rejoice in the fact that she is fully recovered and off medication completely. This hope was crushed recently when she had a relapse. The doctor is of the opinion that she needs to be on medication for the rest of her life until they make some new discoveries in the field.
So now, six and a half years later, I am giving up a career that I painstakingly built up from scratch. I am choosing to accept the idea of a significant pay cut and to go back to the constraints of the corporate environment. Cos at 31, having spent the last six and a half years chasing targets after targets, I am a little weary. Being exposed to people of all levels, I have also become quite the cynic. I have also learned that money doesn’t drive away the emptiness nor fear nor sense of insecurities in you. It is only humans’ nature to be driven to greed and constantly chased for more and better. Often at the expense of others too. Money doesn’t make you a happier person. Self belief and confidence, coupled with integrity and contentment can do that. Self belief in your own values and ability to overcome obstacles will provide you with the confidence to face life and banished the fears gnawing from life’s uncertainties. It is this self belief and confidence which helps me stand firm on my values without compromising my integrity. It is this self belief and confidence that provides me with courage to go against the majority stands. Hence, today, I can honestly say I like myself. I like the person I am cos I can respect my values. I am still trying to learn contentment so that I can be a happier person.
Now, six and a half years later, I have accepted the fact that the man I met and love has found his lifelong happiness in someone else. It is an indisputable fact that I still think of him but I need to move on. I am really happy that the man I love is truly one of the most decent men I meet. I hope we can be friends for life.
And, six and a half years later, I have learned to accept the fact that my mum will have to be on medication for the rest of her life. It is not her fault. I realise that I can learn to be thankful that she is leading a reasonably happy life rather than to try to change the futile. I have learned acceptance.
It seemed that the things I hold dear and put effort into for the six and a half years have gone to naught. My career, love and efforts to get mum off medications. So, does my past six and a half years amount to nothing? Been wondering that for these few weeks.
Then, I realised that it has not all been in vain and nothing will ever be. I am in need of a new career, a new love and a new perspective to accept reality. But, the past six and a half years had mould me into the person I am today.
I am no longer the naive and idealistic gal fresh out of school. The person holding on to grief and fearful of life’s uncertainties. Every experiences and lessons that I have learned would stay with me. And I have really learned alot in the last six years. My values have changed too. The way I handle situations is different. I am more controlled and less extremist. I learned to let go of fears and uncertainties. You can throw me into different situations with any strangers and I know I can somehow survive them. I have learn to use humour to face life. These are all a part of me and my future. I am not just at the end of the six and a half years. I am also at the beginning of my new chapter in life.
I can look forward to a new beginning. At 31, I seek stability. I have learn the value of good health and simplicity in life. I am learning that there are different ways to love and appreciate my closed ones. That changes are inevitable. Good or bad is all in our perspectives. I have learn to love myself better. To laugh more and to allow myself to cry more tears. I learn to allow myself to make mistakes and feel depressed cos I know that I can pick myself up again. I am at the beginning. A beginning of my choice that I am free to create.
