Vagabond At Heart

My cousin…my brother

Told me that he feels that he & gf have problem connecting.Apparently, they have been trying too hard to give in to each other & avoid upsetting each other when they are really very different. Guess both of them have been trying too hard. After a while, it’s really tiring.

Didn’t really comfort him much. Actually, I really didn’t know what to say. Maybe, she is not the one for him? He has been telling us since the start of the relationship that he is not sure if she is the one. As R once told me, once you find the right one, you won’t wonder cos there’s no room for doubts. Hv some doubts abt it still. Until, I meet the right one, will take his words for it.

Anyway, back to J. I really hope he can find someone who can make him really happy. Even though, we grew up amid the same environment, he has it much harder than I had. I was the privilege one with loving parents whereas he was lacking of fatherly love & his mum is hardly an easy person to live with. I suppose that’s why he used to spend as much time as possible at 2nd uncle’s place. I guess we all have our hurts & hangups from our childhood. These are probably the reason why he cannot see marriage in his future. My cousin is truly a great guy & whatever he achieved today, he make it on his own the hard way. I truly truly wish for him to find a great other half who can make him happy & form a happy family together. After all, he’s the closest I ever have to a brother & beside mum, he is the closest family I have now.

P.s. Went to visit 2nd uncle tonite. He is much better! Can sit up by himself. We encouraged him to try standing up. He was afriad but eventually managed to stand with help. Hooray! However, am really saddened that he has problem talking. He tried to tell us something & was so sad that we couldn’t understand that he teared. Am really sad to see the tears even though I tried to tell myself that we should be thankful to have him with us & recovering. 2 peh, we love you, no matter wat.

posted @ 1:04 AM

Family outing. Just want to take a picture with aunt.

Mother’s Day

The strength of blood ties. Despite decades of differences. Despite living our own separate lives. We are still family that will gather in times of need.     

                                    The Nutty Cousins

Death is alot easier to accept when you know the person you love had lived a full and meaningful life, without much regrets, and you recognised that it was his time to go.

J and I had this conversation. My 2nd uncle is old. Somehow, we recognised that one day he would be gone. That fear had always been weighting at the back of our minds. Something that we dreaded. But, when it came, it was not as bad as we envisioned it to be. Of course, we are very sad but we find ourselves accepting his death quite naturally. I guess it helped that he didn’t suffer too much and was blessed with all his children and grandchildren by his side.

My uncle will always hold a special heart in our hearts. We are convinced that the bond that was build in our initial childhood years is irreplaceable. He probably changed more diapers for us than our mums ever did. He was the person we turned to for every big and little things when we were staying with him.

My parents loves me very much. I feel it and have never doubt their loves for me. But, somehow, 2nd uncle still have a special place in my heart. He was the only one of my uncles that I felt close to. For J, his bond was even closer. He probably looked upon 2nd uncle as his closest kin.  In one of the idle moments, J turned to my nephew who grew up with us and asked,” Do you feel that you are closer to your grandfather as compared to your mum?” My nephew nodded and we gave each other knowing smiles of understanding. This thought came to mind. Someday, if I have my own kids, I hope I can have the option of staying at home to take care of them. At least, for the initial few years.

My 2nd uncle’s youngest grandchild and his eldest one are 21 years apart in age. Looking at the pair of them together, I was somehow touched. The little boy looking up at his eldest cousin in awe, while the young man tenderly ruffled the hair of his youngest cousin and took special care of him. Both of them held a special place in my uncle’s heart. His eldest grandson who he took care of and his youngest grandson who he prayed so hard for.

The realisation that age really mellows a person. Just by looking at all the familiar faces all around.

I feel old. I used to be the youngest grandchild in the family. Now the youngest grandchild is less than 10. Most of my nieces and nephews are 18 to 25. It is hard not to feel old when the 18 to 25s  started talking about their little cousins and telling me how old they feel. Different era lah. But, it was quite fun too.

Lots of flashbacks. Images of my uncle in my childhood days. Then, later, images of going to his house for dinners or just spend a day there during school holidays. And yet, later, images of him during family occasions and new years, asking me about my job, urging me to get marry so that he can see me get hitched. Guess this is my one regret. Both dad and 2nd uncle, unable to witness my wedding if I do get married. Was telling J, that uncle gave me a red packet the first time I went overseas. In reply, he told me, “Me too. I got a red packet too the first time I went for a trip.” We lapsed into silence, thinking of our kindly uncle.

During a conversation with my cousin. She was telling my nieces that the 2 kindest men among the family had both left. My 2nd uncle and my dad. “Ah goong is a really good man. So is my uncle(dad). He is also another really good man.” I feel very comforted that there is someone who still remember and appreciates my dad.

This is the 3rd day that I got home at 5.30am. It will also be the last day since tmw is funeral. My nieces and nephews were playing some silly games with forfeit. Had alot of fun watching them and joining in. We took some silly pictures. It is good that not all memories of the wake are sad. There are little moments where we crack jokes, do silly stuff as a family. These are the moments that I want to remember. Moments with cousins, nieces and nephews. It is in these moments that I truly feel the ties of kinship. As one cousin put it,”In moments like this, you learned that the people who turned up are the ones who truly matters.”  As an extended family, we may be leading our separates lives. But, in moments of death and illnesses, we always gather cos we are still family. It is also through these events that we explore and renew our common heritage as family. We tell and listen to tales of the old kampong days when everyone were staying under one roof with my grandparents heading the household. Beneath these tales, there lies a common bonding of shared family ties and history.

However, I often feel that with the passing on of the elder members, it is inevitable that these ties will be dilluted sooner or later. It is already happening. Our nieces and nephews from different branches of the family barely know each other. They hang around only with cousins within the same branch of the family tree.

As I told J, with the passing on of 2nd uncle, I only have one more elderly uncle whose presence make a difference in helping to maintain our ties of kinship. Even then, more often than not, the differences generally translated to New Year’s visit and special occasions. Once this uncle is gone, our extended family ties will be pretty diffused and distanced.

2nd uncle’s death feels to me like the start of a permanent close with the link of my childhood life and family heritage. The span of events happening in my life recently seems to be moving me forward to close different chapters of my life and moving on to start afresh in a new book.

Love. Family. Career. Everything is starting on a blank sheet.

On a sidenote. It seems that there is less and less things to keep me grounded in one place. The people that truly matters to me over the past 3 decades are getting less and less. No love to keep me here. Family is getting simpler. Only one major consideration. My mum. I am starting afresh on the career front. The decision to switch career also stems from the fact that I think some relevant experiences will help increase my mobility in terms of skills set. Put it simply, if there comes a day when I am in the position to seriously consider working somewhere else and need a job to feed myself. I hope these experiences can help me get there.

ok, the tired brain needs to sleep now. 

My uncle’s youngest grandchild is 8 years old.

The day before, his 12 years old sister was telling me, “He doesn’t know that grandfather is dead cos he doesn’t know what death is. He keeps asking when is grandfather coming back.”

Yesterday, my cousin told me that his little boy was asking, “Is the ah goong inside the box the real ah goong? Or just a fake one?”

His older cousin tried to explain to him that ah goong dead and is not coming back To which, the little 8 years old declared, “I know” and skipped away merrily.

Looking at him, I want to be 8 years old again.

5.57am. Just got back from the funeral site. In keeping with our tradition, the immediate family is rotating shifts to keep watch at night. I just wanted to stay one night. Just as a gesture of the final act of affection for 2nd uncle. Some private time to say my personal goodbyes to him. 

I wanted to stay till morning. But, by 4.30, I am up curled up on the floor mat, catching badly needed winks.  At 5am, we decided to go home.

Too.,..tired to be continued. 

I love you so much. Please rest in peace. You are not only my uncle. You are like a father to me. I love you, 2 peh.

At least, you are not suffering from any pain anymore.

Came across this poem on the blog, my home is in empty spaces.

It strikes a chord in me, reminding me of the conflicts I have with my parents since childhood. Without a doubt, my relationship with them is filled with love. I have always feel blessed by how much my parents love me. And, I love them beyond anything else. But then, it is also filled with conflicts. How often have I wish that their perspective of parenting allow me more room for freedom and self development, and less of conforming to expectations in the narrow boundaries of their traditional views.

I remember conversations with my cousin and X, centering on our respective parents. The gist of it was, we think that our parents being traditional and conventional, holds on to the belief in ownership of their children (us). They have certain expectations of us submitting to them because “We are your parents and it is our right to tell you what to do. And as parents, we always know best. So, you should obey us and do what we ask.” Whereas, we see a different form of belief among our peers’ parents whose belief centers on the stewardship of their children as stated in the bible. They see themselves as keepers of their children and recognise that their children have their own life path to follow and that they have a right to be making important life choices on their own.

Of course, we have no doubt that whatever beliefs and actions stemmed out of parental love. And whatever, our lives turn out to be, still manifest from our choices. But, maybe, just maybe, the process will be easier if we are given more leeway for individual choices. Well, at least, for myself, there is a lesser need for my rebellious steak that is still smothering somewhere beneath the surface, ever ready to flare up if necessary. Maybe, that extra effort which is spend fighting against their expectations could have been spent creating more opportunities and experiences, creating a slightly different me. Well, just maybe.

If you ever come across this, mum. Please know that I do love you and appreciate everything that you have done for me. And I do know that both of you have given me the best possible within your capacity.

Poet Khalil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you,
yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

A hospital is a hospital. Doesn’t matter how much money or effort was spent on building it or trying to make it look more inviting. Mum had a minor day surgery today. I spent half of the day waiting at the hospital. Despite the wide array of cafes and shops, the modern decor and really friendly staff, I still hate it. I hate the feeling waiting alone at the hospital. Even with my book in hand. Even with my cup of coffee. I just can’t shake off the dreaded feeling of being alone in the hospital, waiting.

Mum, on the other hand, was in her elements. She works there. She was happy to meet  friends everywhere, enjoyed being treated like a VIP, while catching up with old friends. Everytime, she ran into someone familiar, she happily proclaimed, “Am here for XXX surgery, been hurting for quite a while.” And right after that she happily announced, “This is my daughter.” She basically basked in the attention while I was more than a little awkward with the attention.

A cute one.

I told my niece to look up so that I could take a picture of her. To my surprise, she immediately held up both her index fingers, pointed them to her cheeks and made a cutey face.