Vagabond At Heart

I am truly blessed to have a friend like CH This is the friend who listened to me sobbing over the phone countless times. This is the friend who let me stay at her place without question when I wanted to stay away from home on a nite of disaster. This is the friend who brought health supplements to the hospital for me when I was keeping watch over my dad in hospital. She was with me through numerous trials and tiny misadventures, through happy moments and laughters. She is the one I constantly turn to whenever I feel in need of a blunt ticking off. She never fails to give me the tongue lashing that I truly deserved.

In spite of all my weaknesses and idiotic antics, she has been my friend and pillar of support for 15 years. For her unwavering friendship, I give thanks. Thank you, CH, for being my friend & always being there.

Hope that our friendship will continue to be steady as a rock till we are little old ladies drinking tea together to celebrate our 50, 60, 70 birthdays!

posted @

10:53 PM
 

“The issue with you is that you need to recognise that not all problem needs to be solved.

You have to evaluate the problem and recognise that some problems cannot be solved or at least, not immediately. If you think that after doing what you can, the problem will still stay, then don’t waste your time on it. Some problem will always float around until the circumstance changes. In time to come, it will take care of itself.

Then, there are problems that you can’t solve on your own or the onus is not on you. So, you either ask for help or you leave it to the right person to handle it.

Then, there are problems that you can solve and it’s up to you to solve them. That is what you should be focusing on.

Don’t try to take on everything by yourself and over-complicate things. It could backfire. You end up feeling frustrated and nothing is settled.”

Good advice. The problem with me is I am a worrier from way back. It’s hard to move ahead when I am worry about left, right, back and front. That’s why I am in the rut. I need to learn to leap ahead.

posted @ 12:28 AM

Our initial conversations were conducted while you were in States. I was struggling through a difficult period at work, in a period of high emotional stress. It’s funny, we have never met face to face but amazingly,you were the one who got me through. Thank you.

Somehow, from the long distance conversations, a tentative bond was established. We saw glimpses of similarity between us. Or was it because unconsciously, we were searching for similarities to build common ground on? Bit by bit, we build our own perception of each other personalities and expectations were formed.

We met when you came back and perception clashes with reality. We have both professed to being judgemental before we met. True to our words, we both formed some rather unfair judgements of the other party after that initial meeting. On hindsight, we were probably feeling let down that our expectations were not met. To be fair, I was the one who kept my distance.

Somehow, in a day of self reflection, after having reach my goals last year, I suddenly thought of this person. I suddenly striked me that without this person to comfort, encourage and pull me through, I might not have reached my goals. A wave of shame hits me.

I decided to write him a card to apologize for my awful attitude and to express my gratitude for getting me through a rough patch. He was working in Shanghai then and only received the card much later. But, he msg me amiably when he was back in town. We maintained casual contact since then.

Recently, I shifted office again. I needed some help desperately with my printer setup. He kindly volunteer his help since he is back on home leave. He came down with his best friend to help me fix it. I am touched by how nice he is. In his position, I probably will not have bother for someone I met only once and who rather mean to him.

We had a good chat yesterday. It feels like the days when we were chatting animatedly when he was in States. We catch up on family, lovelife and work. He even happily send over some pictures of his new girlfriend, found and captured in Shanghai. I was comfortable enough to share my disappointment with R. I guess, I can say that I have found a comfortable friendship with him. Have to give him credit for his graciousness.

We did not live up to our friends well meaning intention. But, I am happy to have found a friend in him. Hopefully, a friendship that will lasts a long time to come.

Meeting up with T again has once again makes me realised that I have problem appreciating people for the moment. I seem to have problem realising how nice the person is to me and only miss it after we move on.

Shared this thought with WY yesterday. This is what she told me. ” I don’t think your problem is you can’t appreciate the things they do for you. It’s just that when you are in it, you automatically shutdown and all your emergency defences come up. It is hard to anyone to get to you when you are in that stage. You know like all the emergency drills where all the lights are off and it’s too dark for you to see anything.” Wow, so you mean, I am like a power plant, my system will automatically shutdown and all the alarm measures will come up when I feel invaded. My state of being feels too threatened to think logically. Hmm…maybe, it’s true cos I do automatically keep a distance when someone trys to get too close.

posted @ 2:55 AM

(Not the bears & the bulls but the great one liner below!)

“It is only in difficult times that you learn to separate the men from the boys.”

How true! The men will stay calm, prioritise, seek solutions, steer the direction for long term, evaluate, reflect and evaluate. The men will take actions and face up to problems. They will do the difficult tasks because they need to & take responsibility.

The first person I thought of was MK. He will always be a boy until he faces a major crisis in his life. Even then, one crisis may not be enough to turn him to a man. It may take crisis after crisis until he learns to face up to problems & gets some sense of priorities. He will never be a man until he learns to take responsibility on his shoulder & face up to it. I hope for his sake that he will learn fast. I hope his overseas stint for one year will do him good & teach him some valuable lessons in life. I hope he can learn enough to be a man who can shoulder responsibility so that a nice woman can find him dependable enough to lean on.

posted @ 1:46 AM

Met up with AG to catch up after that. Realised that I really missed having her around. She is so real, funny, gracious and optimistic. You know, the kind of pleasures that you get when you meet up with a friend after quite a time lapse, and, you still feel the sense of familiarity in the things that she says and does, yet at the same time, you happily embraced the positive changes you see in her. Enjoyed her latest updates on her love life.

I really miss the good old days when we were all happily working together. We were poor and vulnerable. We were struggling and starting out in the career was tough. We worked long hours but we were there to support each other. We worked hard and played hard. We eat and party together. We buy each other comfort food. Before we knew it, the good old days were over. All of us have move on with different progress in our lives. Our encounters have developed us into different people from who we were. Our personalities are still intact but our perspectives have changed. Somehow, we learn to tone down and mellow down. We learn to take things in our stride with a pinch of salt. We grow more confident of ourselves. We are moving closer to understanding the things that are truly important to us. Occasionally, glimpses of our childishness and idealism still re-surface now and then, to remind us of who we are at heart. Whereas, our cynical defences remind us of valuable lessons learned and how far we have come. Quite a long way actually.

Cheers to all the friends that I have known throughout this period of my life! Whether or not, you are still a part of my life, I am really happy to have you there. From each and every single one of you, I have learn something. For this and many more, I thank all of you.

posted @ 1:23 AM

It feels like everytime we meet up, you are always updating me about a new relationship, proposal plans or wedding plans. On occasions where you tell me things are not going well, I was always taken aback that you had already broken off, and had someone new in your life, the next time we met again. Yet, I know you are not the frivolous kind. You are decent, responsible, dependable and steadfast. What I find personally appealing is your thoughtfulness combined with your innate logic and a hint of humor. Maybe, that is where your attraction lies. Your personality combines with all the attributes that denote you an eligible bachelor in all senses of our society. I have never met any of your girlfriends. But, I have no doubt that they are all good looking and attractive despite their different personalities. Since I known you, you had already walked through 4 or 5 relationships.

The last proposal did not work out. But, somehow, I always felt that you guys will get back together. Cos’ compared to the previous ex, I think you are really happy with her. I could see your eyes lighting up when you talked about her.

This time round, you tell me that you are getting married to this new girl you met through a friend. You proposed within a few months of the relationship. I know your last proposal was also within a year of the relationship. But, that feels very different. Cos within 2 months into the relationship, you were already talking of marriage. An atittude that was a complete turnaround in the space of a few months. I could see you were perfectly happy in love and eager to commit yourself to her.

This time round, I can’t help questioning if it is just the circumstances in your life that is leading you to propose. Yet, I can see that you are really serious about it. You guys have done alot of planning, discuss important issues for the future and done your pre-marriage  course with your church mates. But, somehow, when you tell me all these stuff, there is a lack of sparkle in you that was very evident the last time you were contemplating marriage. It almost feel like you are approaching it from a task oriented perspective.

This time round, I can’t help thinking you were giving in to the practicalities of life in approaching marriage as your next stage of life. I suppose you are mainly making this decision for your family. This is not my concern and I am really in no position to judge. But, I actually walked away from lunch feeling kind of downcast.

Ok, I will admit it. A part of the melancholy was me lamenting that I never have the chance to explore the possibility. But then, I have always seen it as an impossible possibility cos of the differences in our backgrounds and our expectations. And anyway, I know that you have plenty of better choices. What I feel is just an attraction but I have never put my heart in it. My heart has always been somewhere else with another person.

But, a large part of my melancholy stemmed from wondering if you are making the right decision. But, of course, that is your decision to make. And, in your own words, “I did feel kind of strange after I proposed. It took me a while to settle into the notion. We have been doing the stuffs and done the course. So, I kind of got adjusted to it and it is really fine now.”

So, maybe marriage is a notion we need to work on. After all, there is a good number of people out there who took the step towards marriage because it is practical. You may not think the person is the one you love the most. But there is a need to move on. You see some qualities in this person that make you think it is possible for you to commit spending the rest of your life together. You want to move on to the next stage of life. You jumped into it and you work out the issues together after that.

I still can’t decide if I should be happy for you. Well, I hope you will be happy.

Maybe, I am the one who is too idealistic, asking for the best of both worlds. I have always wanted to be one of those couples who look like they belong WITH each other. Not one of those couples who appear to be tied down with marriage, not with each other.

Loving old couple that I met on the train.

Everytime I look at this picture. I am reminded of this conversation. 

H: However, I like those short trips to the countryside for a walk or trekking during the
weekends. Kind of refreshing. It’s really nice to see those old couples holding hands and enjoying a walk together. Really envious. I seldom see this in Singapore. Maybe, there isn’t any hills or nice countryside for us to spend a good weekend.

Me: I know what you mean. I met quite a few couples at Interlaken and they have been married for decades and are still holding hands. I shared a cabin with this couple who have been married for 35 years and have been going hiking at Interlaken for the past 17 years. I thought that was quite enviable. When we reached the top of the mountain, we met another couple who have been married for 40 years. They had their honeymoon there and were back there to celebrate their 40 years anniversary. The really sweet thing was they still look so much in love. It comes across in their little gestures of affection and care for each other.
 

Reminds me of a really nice guy.

Beautiful buildings all around & Jumping in the air joyously.

Fooling around in the apartment and potluck together.

Enjoying classes and sneaking out in the chilly nights for ice-creams. I like.

Amid nature’s beauty and animals. Lovely sunsets are my favourite.

Great Ocean Road! Scenic drives all around.

Charming bridges and lovely bed & breakfast places for quick weekend getaways.

Lovely beaches and flea markets. 

Feeding pigeons, picnic lunches and lying down on the grass with a good read.

Writing home & eating our home cooked meals together.

And, of course. Fighting for bathroom and destroying household stuffs together. Being entirely accident proned. Shopping and dining.

Oh, and the donuts at Queen Victoria Markets! Yummy! I am not a donut fan but occasionally, I still get cravings for the donuts there. Especially, on a cold day. I think of holding the hot, crispy and sweet donuts and biting into them. Heavenly!

Schedule for the day.

Morning:  Tidy house and start cooking. M is coming for lunch. I am feeling panicky cos I can’t quite cook and she is really good at it. I already brought the ingredients last night but am kind of at a loss what dishes to prepare. Soup is a definite since it is my “almost guarantee to turn out well” dish. And steamed fish. Should be easy. I promised her liver with ginger and spring onion in sesame oil. The sotong, tofu and vegetables? I will decide how to cook them tomorrow. Hope it turns out well.

Afternoon: We hang out.

Late afternoon: Picked up jeans that I sent for alterations. Need to go hospital to visit S and her new born.

Night: Barbeque at G’s place and drinks at some clubs for later. Think I will try to skip the drinks to come home and read the materials I was given for the second round of interview.

Hopefully, I can get a good night’s sleep after that.