Vagabond At Heart

Spend the day with P since we are both starting with our respective new jobs tomorrow. We are both excited and nervous. Over tea, our conversation jolt an old memory which I shared with her. After I finished telling her the story, this thought came to mind. I failed to trust that you knew your limit then. After the past one year of my own struggling, I can fully comprehend how you felt then. What I could not understand then, I could now. I can now fully understand and appreciate your feelings then cos it mirrors my current feelings. I just want to say I am sorry.

Conversation with boss over lunch.  

Conversations with colleagues.

Conversations with clients.

Not just on work but also on life. Many different aspects of life.

Love. Family. Career. Passions. Friendship. Relationship.

Being a woman. A wife. A mother. A child. A friend.

Being a man. A husband. A father. A child. A friend.

Being a boss. A subordinate. A colleague.

Corporate environment.

Evolving friendships.

Juggling the delicate balance of family relationships.

Balancing life.

Changes. Lots of changes.

What is important at different stages of our lives.

Constant struggles with ourselves.

Contents pertaining to ourselves and people we know.

A mingling of different emotions and thoughts floating around in my head.

Creating.

Gladness and sadness.

Anticipation and nervousness.

A eagerness to move on and yet, an instinctiveness to hold on.

Sadness in letting go.

Thankfulness. Alot of it.

Touched. Really touched.

Happiness too.

Appreciated.

Surprise.

New perspectives.

Understanding.

Bringing.

Confusions and clarity.

Side by side.

And, also. Questions. Lots and lots of questions to myself.

All these bits and pieces leading to one major obvious conclusion.

I am closing a chapter of my life.

This chapter may be closed. But, it is not gone. This chapter will help shape and mould the remaining chapters of my life.

It is important to me still. I guess, that explains the sadness lingering in the air.

But, from now on, it is not my priority anymore.

I have new chapters to write. The questions floating from this chapter will contribute their influences to these new chapters I am writing. Not in totality. Cos, the present and future have to be the main driving force.

When I look at you, I think I understand your pains
Cos they are mine too
I am not any better at coping with them than you are
I am just better at hiding them

When you look at me, I know what you are wondering
And I am grateful that you are not voicing it aloud
Cos then, all I can say to you is I am sorry

And I am truly sorry
Not only for you but for myself too
Two simple people who wonder why happiness elude them

If only life can really be so simple
And feelings can be less complicated
Unfortunately, they are not
I can only wish you well

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.To let go is to fear less and love more
      Remember: The time to love is short
 —— author unknown

Probably takes a saint to do this. But, it is a good reminder of all the things that I should learn to let go. Makes life alot easier if I do. Alot happier and more carefree too.

This poem reminds me of a workshop I have attended. In this workshop among many strangers, I learnt that one of my greatest failings is I have problem letting go of the fact that I always have to be right. I have always been rather obstinate in my own ways. Everyone around me know how stubborn I can be once I make up my mind about something or once I formed an opinion about someone or something. It is hard to sway me because I hold on firmly to the conviction that I know I am right. It is frustrating for the people around me because I may not debate the point with you since I think intellectual debates are pointless. I simply radiate the attitude of “So, we hold different views. That is alright. We do not have to agree. But, in my mind, I STILL think I am right.” This frustrates the people around me since they have no opportunity of making me see their points or any hope of me adopting their perspectives. I have mellowed alot over the years. I have learnt that there are many instances in life where it does not matter who is right or wrong. That it is just a differences of perspectives. We are all right in our own ways. That it is often impossible to just draw a clear cut line between right and wrong. But, in many instances, I still have problem letting go of my need to be right. This may be a good area to start working on in the “Letting go” dept.  

For the last couple of years, I had given in the my denser impulse to feed my love for travel. The beauty of having a career with flexible working hours allow one to take holidays on impulse. Last year, I had 4 impulses within a year.  Blame it on the budget airlines giving out promotional airfares. 

Then, there were the occasions when I just felt that I really needed to fulfil my little dreams. There was this one particular convention that I felt I really wanted to go attend in my lifetime and off I went. And then, the whim to go fulfil my dream of backpacking Europe since I was a student. The notion striked and within a month, I was in Europe.

Since the beginning of this year, the people around me had been asking me of my holiday plans for this year. They were rather astonished by my lack of plans. One friend did ask if I wanted to tag along with him to backpack Tibet. I did consider it as a possibility in the later part of the year. But, it seems unlikely now with the start of my new job next month. I have a six months probation period, meaning no leave allowed. The last quarter of the year, I have study plans. Meaning. Either I take a quick holiday within the next three weeks or no travel this year.

Somehow, the no travel this year seems like quite a shock to me. I can’t quite remember the last time that I had not taken a trip within the year. However, the impact is not so much in not being able to travel. It is the sinking in of the adjustments to my lifestyle that I will be making. It is already starting. And it is going to translate to more changes in many aspects of my life. I am starting to feel abit panicky. By just the thought of all the changes. I have been telling myself I am prepared for the changes. In fact, I was the one who decided that I want the changes. Now, faced with approaching changes, I am suddenly a little scared and nervous. What if I cannot adapt? I guess the self doubt is ridiculous. I will just have to put in more efforts into learning the ropes in a new environment. And I will adapt because I want to. Mingled with fear is also anticipation and relief that I am finally moving on. That should be all that matters. Really.

Meanwhile, maybe I will take that quick holiday. Just a quick getaway somewhere. If I can still manage to find available flights that does not coincide with the school holidays and Easter weekends. Even if it is alone, it’s fine. Or if I am really eager enough, I may just take N up on the extravagant idea to join her for a few days in Dubai. Maybe, I can claim my flyer points.

Someone gave me a book tonight. It is a collection of short stories on people I can associate with personally. After browsing through it, I was moved. Not inspired but moved. Moved with an understanding borne out of actually travelling the path myself. An understanding that is only possible if you been through same experiences. Our stories are all different. We are all driven by different motivations but faced the same struggles and internal conflicts. Yet, I am not inspired to stay on the path. I am happy to have walk the path. Walking the path helped built my character and make me a better person. I had tripped and fallen along the way, had some hard knocks and learn some of my most important life’s lesson along the path. I am thankful to have walk the path. It has helped develop me into the person I am. Now, I am ready to turn direction and pursue a new path. Cos’ I am very certain this is no longer the happiness that I want to pursue.

After reading, I am striked by the fact that I have not been allowing myself to think or feel too deeply recently. I am cutting myself off in the middle of my thoughts. Keeping busy, doing stuffs, meeting people, appearing cheerful. Doesn’t really work anyway. Feelings doesn’t cease to exist just because you refuse to acknowledge them. They just accumulate. Writing them down should be the perfect outlet but for somehow I find that I am unable to write anything sensible cos they are like this maze of thoughts all jumbled out, confusing and messy. I am unable to sort them out (or is it unwilling to sort them out). It is like so much easier to just post something simple or silly that does not require thinking. Someday I wonder if I just post cluttered and unimportant stuff online just to remind myself that I am living.  

After scanning through two and a half books on REBT, I am quite convinced that Landmark Forum gets a large part of its philosophy from REBT.

It just strikes me that I am treating this blog as a dumping ground. All sorts of nonsenses get throw in here.

This X’mas season seems especially cold for me. There are so many weddings going on. Feels like almost every other alternate person around me is getting hitched. Of course, these are joyous occasions. But, with my current mood, I seem to be slumping further into depression. Every wedding reminds me of your impeding big day.

Not sure how to describe this.

Somehow, it feels like I am walking along on the street. Alone and cold. Looking in through the windows of cosy homes, narrating scenes of love and warmth. It seem that my friends are on the other side of those brightly lit windows. In the warmth. Looking blissful and happy. I want to be a nice person and smile at the joyful pictures they present. But, I can’t muster up the spirit. Cos, I am walking. Alone. Out there in the cold and rain. With a heavy heart.  

Sounds corny but that is how I feel. The rainy weather is not helping either.’

Despite all the gatherings lined up. I can’t seem to muster up a cheerful mood for X’mas.

Was making my way home, feeling relieved to escape the bustling overcrowding of both the town and train. This guy got into the lift with me and started making conversation. Thinking he is one of my neighbours, I politely said hi. He just started introducing himself and ask for my number. It was only when we reach my level. He told me “Actually, I don’t stay here. Just want to get to know you. But, I stay nearby.” WTF! Was caught totally off guard. Abit too shocked to react. He pressed a scrap of paper with his hastily scribbed number on me. Made another attempt for my number. I finally got rid of him by giving him a rarely used email address. I purposely went to opposite direction of my place and hang around for a full 10 mins, just in case. Bloody irritating! Since when do people started picking blurred individuals like myself up in lifts?!! Is he just weird or dangerous?

Once safely back home, I contemplated what made me surrender my email address. Too stunned to think clearly? Too hassled to know how to react? Or a need for affirmation from my current depressive mood? Am I losing my mind? Or maybe because he even showed me his staff id. That gesture seems abit……I dunno….like trying abit too hard…I figure email is harmless enough. Maybe, it is a combination of all.

N just asked me online if I am seeing anyone. Dunno how to tell her I don’t have space for anyone else in my heart still. She has been nagging at me to be more open to meeting people. And, at least, giving myself chance to get to know them.

As much as I do not want to go through life being alone. I really don’t have the heart to explore relationship now.

A few months back, A kinda of gave me a piece of her mind and suggested I try this online dating site. She scored a point when she told me bluntly that I am not even making any efforts to move on. And that I really need to meet new people if I want to move you out of my mind. Since then, everytime, somebody nagged me, about meeting people. I dutifully logged in to make some connections. Or on occasions (like after conversations about your wedding), when I feel a desperate need to move on, I log on and start making new contacts.

I went through this initial spee meeting some of them. That was after hearing about your proposal. I met a grand total of 4 and maintain contact with only two (T and AT). Since then, I have not bother to meet any others. I have about 10 person on my msn list but only talked to AT occasionally. With the rest of them, I either appear offline or tell them that I am busy after 1 or 2 liners. Most of them get the message after a while. As for the only one person I talked to, AT, I suspect, it is because he reminds me of TL. Comfortable and totally platonic feel. Well, I guess at least I have made one friend out of the whole thing. As for T, I think the distance can drift to the point of no contact. I kind of enjoyed looking at different profiles and wondering what kind of people they are. So, guess it was at least interesting for a while. I will probably remove my profile soon.

Maybe, singlehood is for me after all. This online dating thing makes me realise that there are so many lonely people out there too. Of course, some of them are flukes. If I want to, I can just reach out, I am sure there will be someone willing to reach for my hand. But, I can’t seem to make myself reach out.

Ok, back to assignment now.

This book is definitely a rip off. You can finish reading it within 10 mins.

I like some of his views on religious since they hold with mine.

I think the core of all proper religions teach us the right things. Basic morals standard. They reinforce the basic decency that we are already equipped. It is people who complicate things by casting judgements, indoctrinating their cultural beliefs, infusing their own interpretations while imposing them on others and carrying it further to institute these divisions into different religious clusters. 

As to the existence of God, all of us believe what we want to believe and adhere to our own personal beliefs.

To me, believing in God equates, or rather, translates into having a conscience in everything that we do. For me, faith is believing that there is goodness and justice in this world cos all of us carry a conscience within ourselves.

It doesn’t translate into going to church/mosque, preaching to everyone I know or reading the bible/kolan conscientiously so that I may, one day transcend into heaven for eternity. Neither does it translates into temples going nor performing rituals.

Yet, I am not against religions cos I believe humans do need spirtual support. And if they can get it through religious institutions. Then, why not? I do admit to the occasional moments of needing spirtual support.  

What I dislike is the hordes of people who are of the one tracked mind that they are completely right in their religious beliefs and thus the rest of the world are all misguided souls. And therefore have no qualms about imposing their beliefs on others. After all, which of us will know better than the other what truly exists and what does not? None of us really know. After all, what we are all clinging on to is our individuals’ beliefs.

I also dislike the hordes of people who uses religions as a mask their self interests. To me, that is the height of hypocrisy.

Quotes I like from the book.

“The History of War

Different people, different terrain, different weather, different food, different customs, different houses, different religions.

As man travelled more, he told other of his religions, and others told him about theirs.

That’s where the problems started.

More blood has been shed over religion than any other issue.

Our refusal to understand the beliefs of others is why we continue to have religious wars to this day.“

“You can believe in God without being religious.

Believing in God does not make you a religious person.

It makes you a spiritual person.

A religious person is quite different.

A religious person is someone who believes in a Church, and (religiously) performs the rites and ceremonies laid down by their Church.

You can believe in God without being part of a church.“

A long ago conversation.

Me: What do you usually do when you are unhappy?

 Your reply: I sleep. When I wake up, things look better.

Me: So if it is not better. What else do you do?  

Your reply: That means I need to sleep longer to get over it. So, I sleep some more.

 How come it is not working on me?

Your birthday is coming up again. I suddenly wonder if you still have the cross-stitch I did for you? Last week, I passed by the bus-stop where I completed it. I suddenly had this version of myself stitching anxiously at the bus-stop for over an hour so that I could finish it in time for you. Somehow, the image makes me smile. It was so long ago but I can still remember the words I stitched. Not something I am likely to do now.

There are all these kinds of little flashbacks at unexpected moments.