A post about a chance meeting and life!

I met this lady in California last year. S wanted to catch his football game. I happily went off to explore the town alone. 

This lady was whistling cheerfully along on her bike. She flashed me a smile in passing. Later on, we shared the same elevator up to the roof-top to get a view of the harbour and striked up a conversation. The usual niceties. She shared that she biked around the same route everyday and took the elevator up to enjoy the view before biking her way round the harbour. Every single day. At the roof-top, we shared a few quiet moments, staring contentedly into the distance at the harbour before turning around to exchange smiles.

From our conversation, I remember her cheerful optimism towards life. She was 50 and she made it a point to keep her daily routine to keep fit. She believed in staying healthy so that she could enjoy more of life. She believed in being contented with the simplicity of life. She is a mother of one. Her son was grown and staying on his own. They had also been close but enjoyed their individual independence.  She had a chirpy quality about her that made me feel relaxed and uplifting speaking to her. Yet, her insightfulness spoke of her maturity. I remember her perspective on being 50. “It is a good age to be at. Not everyone gets to live to 50. I am grateful to live this long and I have a good life. I hope I have many good years ahead still.”

I remembered thinking of Dad. Well, at least, he made it to 50 too. That is a good perspective to hold on to. I remember hoping that I too can make it to 50 and tell the world “Yes, I love my life and it has all been worthwhile.” And to be happy and healthy at 50 and looking forward to many good years ahead.

Somehow, the people I met on my travels inspired me to take a good look at my life and evaluate what is really important to me. They are all different. Different backgrounds. Different personalities. Different perspectives. We even meet in different places. The convention I attended included thousands of people all successful in their own rights. The people I meet on the street ranged from the weirdos to the average man on the street.

Our definition of successes are all different. Yet, at the end of the day, it is still the people around us that truly matters. All of us hope to gain the care and affections of people we care about. We worked hard to provide a better life for the people we love, hoping to make them happy. We all fear loneliness and the ugliness of life’s reality. We want to believe that our lives are worthwhile. That, we have make a difference somehow. Yet, in chasing for all that, we somehow lost focus of what is really important to us. We choose to spend time chasing targets after targets, losing sight of the reason why we are chasing after them in the first place. Or we tell ourselves that there will be a “Someday” to make up for lost time but we forgot that we are only humans. We do not have the ability to chase back lost time. Once it is gone, it is gone. For circumstances change and people change too.

Somehow, I was awakened to the fact that I have neglected my family and health sadly using the pitiful excuse of chasing after bigger and better things for future. I seem to be focusing on the wrong things in my life. Forever waiting for the day when I have finally make things better, before allowing myself to live life. Waiting for the ideal circumstances before I can move on with my life. Waiting to correct all my flaws before building my own family. I realised I need to change. The people around me are all kind of puzzled about what the heck is going through in my mind. They think the change I should be seeking is to work harder so that I can be more successful and earn more money to seek financial freedom. Once this is achieved, real living starts! The law of delayed gratification was drilled into us from day one of our career. I realised this is not what I want. I want to live life as it comes. Living each moment. My idea of success is to be happy and savour my life. Spend more time with people I love. Of course, I know money is still important. It will always be for basic security and it does have to ability to provide a better living for my family. The point is I need to tilt the scale and shift my balance. I realised the lifestyle and balance that I seek is a different one. Guess part of this change comes from being in a different stage of life too. So, age actually does make a difference too.

Today, Y’s dad passed away, we went to the wake. It was a sudden death and a shock to her. P’s mum had a mild stroke recently and was diagnosed for cancer during treatment. So many depressing stories around. These are all reminders for us to appreciate our lives and make living worthwhile. I guess that is why I suddenly thought of this lady I met last year. I am reminded to focus on things that are really important to me. The people in my life. Even when things are not happening to my plans, I can still make each day worthwhile.

A reminder

that life is still wonderful and beautiful. 

that I can be happy just enjoying my journey.

Just a picture of a lovely day in Versailles to perk myself up after that depressing post. 

Btw, I think my mum is being really supportive and understanding throughout this period. So, that is another thing to be really happy about. Thank you, Mum.

最近

 最近很孤单 有点乱 有点惶

你却离我  好远好远

好难过    好想你

不想跟周围的人说

心里真的好难受

我也不了解 我为何这么放不下

Breaklight

I like this poem which came in an elegant postcard from the Postcards Swap exchange.

Light keeps on breaking

I keep on knowing

the language of other nations

I keep hearing

Tree talk

Water words

And I keep knowing what they mean

And light just keeps on breaking

Last night, the fears of my mother came knocking

And when I opened the door

They tried to explain themselves

And I understood

Everything they said.

- Lucille Clifton-

This poem speaks to me because I can somehow relate to it.

When I was reading it, I think of the new places I have seen this year, the beauty that I have seen, people I met, the differences in their way of life, just sitting in a park, on the hillside and staring out at the far-away distance or by the riverside, enjoying a quiet moment. The feeling of contentment and peace. 

I think of some of my feelings this year. The realisation that the years just seem to fly by and you are no longer as young and carefree as you think. Where, without realising it, you are already one third or halfway through your life. You sit down to think about life and what is really important to you. You think about the life ahead and try to figure out what choices you should make in order to be happy. You realised that you do not want to stay in your comfort zone. You feel this desire to catch hold of life and fill it with meaningful experiences. The desire to explore more of the world, to take in more of nature’s beauty, experience different cultures and its people. The dawning realisation that you seem have a greater understanding of your parent’s’ perspective and you cannot quite place your finger to when this came about. 

All this pondering may have lead to feelings of confusions and lost. But, one thing is clear. The future is filled with possibilities and choices.  

My Gap Year

This seems to be my gap year. A year of learning to let go of the past and finding my future to move into. It is a year spend in trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be moving from here. It is a year spend in self-reflection and rest. Not in running after targets and producing results. A year spend listening silently and looking at my life from afar. A year spend in spring cleaning my life and throwing out clutters that I want out of my life. A year spend in explorations but not expecting results. A year of anticipation for the new life ahead when I finally get everything together. I am happy for this gap year. I have learned new things and perspectives. I have let go of some old baggages and still learning to let go of others. A year of learning to try new things and letting go of expectations.

It is a good thing. This gap year. And now, I am now eager to move on.

Two are better than one?

Was reading “What colour is your Parachute?” and came across this.

“Two are better than one;

for if they fall,

the one will lift up his fellow;

but woe to him that is alone when he falleth,

and hath not another to lift him up.”

Ecclesiastes

Not something I would expect to read in a career hunting book.

My question is “Is two really better than one?” If love is missing, do we then opt for companionship in a bid to escape loneliness? Will that make us happier or make life more frustrating? I guess we all have different answers to that.

At this moment, I am choosing solitude than to run into the embrace of what is available just for companionship. I don’t believe in easy solution and I don’t like complicated situations. But, maybe someday, I might just cave in to try out the second option. Who knows? But, not this time. Not when there is no space in my heart for anyone else.

Meanwhile, life can still be good.

” I have learned this

At least, by my experiment:

If one advances confidently

In the direction of his dreams,

And endeavors to live

The life he has imagined,

He will meet with a success

Unexpected in common hours.”

- Henry David Thoreau

Sense of belonging

My friend had a housewarming party yesterday. In the middle it, this thought came to mind. The reason to why you are so important to me is because as long as you are there for me, I feel totally at ease.

As long as you are around me, I feel a sense of belonging. No matter what, I do not feel out of place or awkward as long as you are with me. I could fit in.

Perhaps

Perhaps I have been in this place for too long.

This place where everyone speaks the same language, says the same things instinctly. And repeat the same things unthinkingly.

I wonder if they are even thinking anymore. Perhaps they have successfully constraint their mind to think narrowly along a single track. The one and only track that they are accustomed to think.

Perhaps, it is the only way to survive without beating yourself emotionally.

But, I am not listening anymore. 

I need new voices, new ways of thinking, new perspectives in my life.

Perhaps, I am ready for a change.

New beginnings

Today is going to be a great day because I want it to be.

I meet you to see if we can reinstate our friendship and we are one step in the right direction. And that is great. And that is really all there is to it.

As J said ” Don’t feel vulnerable and start comparing yourself to his girlfriend. You are who you are. Just you. ” Yes, I know and I have realised that it is silly to be feeling inferior or compare myself to her.

The point is I haven’t been a part of his life for so long and she is. All the “What if”s are really pointless cos the fact is I was out of his life and he probably can’t give me any answers cos things didn’t happen that way. I just wasn’t there. So, what answers could he have given me? End of story. Period.

This time round, I feel like I can really move on. We won’t go back to our past but we can start building a new friendship. And that is really all that I am asking for.

Numbed

It was difficult but I met you for lunch.

So many thoughts running through my head. Can’t decipher all of them. Am writing with a distinct numbness that I achieved with all the beers that I drowned.

You look different. Gained some weight. More wrinkles in your face. When I look at you, I see in you the man I had always knew you would grow into. It hurts that I wasn’t there to see how the wrinkles added on or witnessed your growth.

When you showed me your picture with her, I felt like somebody just hit me on the head. All I could registered was how happy you look and how pretty she is. And, she is successful in her career too. Wham! All my vulnerabilities and insecurities came back.

All my “what if”s remained frozen cos I realised how futile they were. With a bright smile pinned on my face, I bited back all that I wanted to tell you.

Numb feelings all over.