Vagabond At Heart

在東京鐵塔　第一次眺望
看燈火模仿　墜落的星光
我終於到達　但卻更悲傷
一個人完成　我們的夢想

你總說　時間還很多　你可以等我
以前我不懂得　未必明天　就有以後

想念是會呼吸的痛　它活在我身上所有角落
哼你愛的歌會痛　看你的信會痛　連沈默也痛

遺憾是會呼吸的痛　它流在血液中來回滾動
後悔不貼心會痛　恨不懂你會痛　想見不能見最痛

沒看你臉上　張揚過哀傷
那是種多麼　寂寞的倔強
你拆了城牆　讓我去流浪
在原地等我　把自己捆綁

你沒說　你也會軟弱　需要倚賴我
我就裝不曉得　自由移動　自我地過

我發誓不再說謊了　多愛你就會抱你多緊的
我的微笑都假了　靈魂像飄浮著　你在就好了

我發誓不讓你等候　陪你做想做的無論什麼
我越來越像貝殼　怕心被人觸碰　你回來那就好了

能重來那就好了

Had dinner here. It’s another trip down memory lane.

L came to mind. 

Same incidents, both of you were there.

Yet, all I remember was your concern and totally disregarded his concern.

The heart is a strange thing. How does it decide?

Memory is a strange thing too. It creeps up on you silently and unexpectedly. Unannounced and unwelcome.

It takes being there seeing your smiles and blissfulness in the most important day of your life.

But, it finally sinks in. Just how insignificant the past is. Whatever memories or feelings that I was holding onto are all insignificant.

You have moved on so far ahead and created a whole different life for yourself. A life that seems perfect in the way you want it to be. Career, love, your own family. You looked so happy and pleased with life. She looks….demurely sweet and radiantly happy. Blissful. So in love. Happy and confident, basking in your love. Like I told P, “She doesn’t even look bitchy! She looks so sweet and demure, hanging on to his arms, a perfect picture of the woman behind a successful man.” I can’t even hate her. Or you, for that matter.

Looking at her, I feel stupid and empty. I have been freezing myself in the same spot, wasting my youth and bottling my feelings for so long. Not giving anyone else a chance nor giving myself a chance to move on. I feel so incredibly stupid. Stupid is an understatement.

The myriad of feelings pulsing through me are too complexed. However, they are not the most important thing. Granted that these feelings are suffocating me. But, like what the cab driver kindly told me before I alighted, ” Xiao Mei, Zai Shan Xin De Si Duo Hui Guo Qu De. ” (No matter how sad you are, this too, shall pass.)  

What is important now is the future. I must move on. For real. I must build my own future. In future, I do not want to walk alone. I do not want to be as lonely as I was. I do not want to shut myself up emotionally. I want to walk down the rest of my future with someone, holding hands together, building our future together.

My part of the story must go on. Just as yours will. We will both be living our life stories separately. And that is not such a bad thing.

Adios, my friend. I won’t be seeing you much. Maybe, our contact may just fade into non existence. And, I have accepted that this may be a good thing for me.

In another 15 hours.

You will be saying “I do” to the woman you love.

I will be in another venue watching A’s hubby serenade her as their special item, sipping wine and catching up with old friends.

3 hours later, I will be at your wedding venue, in time to catch your special item. Listening to the lyrics that you specially pen for the woman of your life.

Life is ironic sometimes. All of this is starting to feel kind of surreal to me. Even before the actual events happening. 

In winter, when the fields are white, I sing this song for your delight

In spring, when woods are getting green, I’ll try and tell you what I mean

In summer, when days are long, perhaps you’ll understand the song

In autumn, when the leaves are brown, take pen and ink, and write it down

All I wanted to tell you was my feelings for you.

After scanning through two and a half books on REBT, I am quite convinced that Landmark Forum gets a large part of its philosophy from REBT.

It just strikes me that I am treating this blog as a dumping ground. All sorts of nonsenses get throw in here.

This X’mas season seems especially cold for me. There are so many weddings going on. Feels like almost every other alternate person around me is getting hitched. Of course, these are joyous occasions. But, with my current mood, I seem to be slumping further into depression. Every wedding reminds me of your impeding big day.

Not sure how to describe this.

Somehow, it feels like I am walking along on the street. Alone and cold. Looking in through the windows of cosy homes, narrating scenes of love and warmth. It seem that my friends are on the other side of those brightly lit windows. In the warmth. Looking blissful and happy. I want to be a nice person and smile at the joyful pictures they present. But, I can’t muster up the spirit. Cos, I am walking. Alone. Out there in the cold and rain. With a heavy heart.  

Sounds corny but that is how I feel. The rainy weather is not helping either.’

Despite all the gatherings lined up. I can’t seem to muster up a cheerful mood for X’mas.

Was making my way home, feeling relieved to escape the bustling overcrowding of both the town and train. This guy got into the lift with me and started making conversation. Thinking he is one of my neighbours, I politely said hi. He just started introducing himself and ask for my number. It was only when we reach my level. He told me “Actually, I don’t stay here. Just want to get to know you. But, I stay nearby.” WTF! Was caught totally off guard. Abit too shocked to react. He pressed a scrap of paper with his hastily scribbed number on me. Made another attempt for my number. I finally got rid of him by giving him a rarely used email address. I purposely went to opposite direction of my place and hang around for a full 10 mins, just in case. Bloody irritating! Since when do people started picking blurred individuals like myself up in lifts?!! Is he just weird or dangerous?

Once safely back home, I contemplated what made me surrender my email address. Too stunned to think clearly? Too hassled to know how to react? Or a need for affirmation from my current depressive mood? Am I losing my mind? Or maybe because he even showed me his staff id. That gesture seems abit……I dunno….like trying abit too hard…I figure email is harmless enough. Maybe, it is a combination of all.

N just asked me online if I am seeing anyone. Dunno how to tell her I don’t have space for anyone else in my heart still. She has been nagging at me to be more open to meeting people. And, at least, giving myself chance to get to know them.

As much as I do not want to go through life being alone. I really don’t have the heart to explore relationship now.

A few months back, A kinda of gave me a piece of her mind and suggested I try this online dating site. She scored a point when she told me bluntly that I am not even making any efforts to move on. And that I really need to meet new people if I want to move you out of my mind. Since then, everytime, somebody nagged me, about meeting people. I dutifully logged in to make some connections. Or on occasions (like after conversations about your wedding), when I feel a desperate need to move on, I log on and start making new contacts.

I went through this initial spee meeting some of them. That was after hearing about your proposal. I met a grand total of 4 and maintain contact with only two (T and AT). Since then, I have not bother to meet any others. I have about 10 person on my msn list but only talked to AT occasionally. With the rest of them, I either appear offline or tell them that I am busy after 1 or 2 liners. Most of them get the message after a while. As for the only one person I talked to, AT, I suspect, it is because he reminds me of TL. Comfortable and totally platonic feel. Well, I guess at least I have made one friend out of the whole thing. As for T, I think the distance can drift to the point of no contact. I kind of enjoyed looking at different profiles and wondering what kind of people they are. So, guess it was at least interesting for a while. I will probably remove my profile soon.

Maybe, singlehood is for me after all. This online dating thing makes me realise that there are so many lonely people out there too. Of course, some of them are flukes. If I want to, I can just reach out, I am sure there will be someone willing to reach for my hand. But, I can’t seem to make myself reach out.

Ok, back to assignment now.

Movie. Dinner. Drinks.

It was nice enough. Conversation was easy. Although, most of the time, T was the one sharing and I was the one asking question. He is really nice. Always on the go for new things to try. Confident without being arrogant. I really like him.

Not sure why but at the end of the evening. I feel drained. Maybe because my heart was not in it. 

I think of you again.

Some feelings are beyond words. Maybe it is because I have never been very good at articulating my feelings out loud. Or maybe, my feelings are beyond my own comprehension too.

When I was young, I always thought that love is something sweet and wonderful. As I grow older, I realised love is not always wonderful. It can hurt in so many ways and causes so much pain.

I feel so silly.

P said “Maybe that is his way of caring for your feelings. Maybe he does care but he is sparing a thought for you by drawing the line”.

It doesn’t make me feel any better to think that. Cos I feel the cut. I feel the distance between us spreading out like oceans apart. The sadness is almost unbearable.

Today, at the interview. I was asked “What are your dreams for the future?” and “Do you have intention to settle down anytime soon?”

I thought of you. The future that is not happening.

Painting a new picture of my future is the best gift I can give myself this year.

P was wearing the gift I got for him from my trip. I suddenly wonder what you looked like in the tie I got for you. I was just drawing the image in my mind when I saw you coming up the escalator. For a moment, I wondered if my imagination had gone wild. But, you were real. The tie was not in sight. I see the man you are. In my mind, I also see the guy you were. We said hi, had a short exchange and went on our ways. Almost like two strangers, each on the move to their respective lives. Separate lives without each other in it. What will it be like to see you in the eyes of a stranger now? If you are a stranger, I won’t have this feeling of helplessness and lost in me.