Meeting new people

So now it looks as if I am going to be spending my weekends visiting museums and places of interests with this new guy I met. He is nice and interesting to talk to. Not intimidating. Nice guy but not a pushover. Have strong family values, seem like a real family man in making. Likes to try new things. Likes to cook. Does his own laundry. Enjoy theatres and musicals. We have tons to talk about. Conversation comes easy. We can discuss books, theatres, family stuff, places we been to, food, etc. Seems like everything I am looking for. We find each other interesting cos we come from different cultures and backgrounds. Yet, we have enough similarities to relate to. He invited me to have dinner with his family’s friend next week. I am abit uncomfortable with that since we just met but I try to tell myself not to think too much. He probably just need a date to tag along.

Then there is this other guy. He is nice too. We share familar family background, culture, grow up in the same environment. Even the same neighbourhood. We understand each other’s world. He is like the nice guy on the block that everyone loves. I am comfortable with him too. In fact, he reminds me very much of a close colleague. He is a family man too. Common lingo, common values. Given a chance, we can be really good friends and maybe more.

They are both nice people. I am happy to meet them. My friends are happy that I am meeting new people. But, why is it that I feel extremely lost even as I am enjoying conversation with them or just hanging out? Why do I feel like I don’t even know what I want? It is not them. It is me. I just can’t seem to get you out of perspective. As long as I can’t do that, I will never to able to break the barrier to take things one step further with anyone. No matter how great they are.

If feelings and emotions can be turn off like a tap, I do it this instant.

Some days

Some days I wish I can just pick up the phone and hear your reassuring voice. For I know no matter how bad things are, you can always cheer me up, encourage me and comfort me. And somehow, I can find strength to carry on. 

Today is such a day. I feel so tired and alone somehow. 

The irony of it is I was out with the gals all night long.

When will I be able to find someone who can fill the void that you left behind?

At this moment when heart is not intact, pride just suffers a blow, future is uncertain, I really miss you. The loneliness is getting a little unbearable and yet, at the same time, I am shutting myself up like a wounded animal hiding in my cave. Even when I am out with the friends, I am bottling up my feelings and keeping the conversation on general topics. My common reply to any concerns from friends is “I am alright, really.”

But, I am not. I just do not want to talk about anything cos talking does not help or change anything. I hate this feeling of isolation and weariness. Some days, I just feel like giving up. Like today. Some days, I feel like giving in and not make things so hard for myself. Other days, I tell myself I just need to pick myself up and keep going. It is like a vicious cycle. I need to get out of it. Desperately.

And in the midst of all this, I miss your encouragement and concern desperately.

Tired

The process of trying to get to know someone new is really quite exhausting. Really.

First, u go through the process of meeting new people. You may or may not find someone you are attracted to. If you do, you go on to the whole nervous process of wondering what to wear, (including what to do with your hair, makeup, etc), where to go, what should you talk about, all the “what if” questions. Then you go through the whole afternoon of jittery apprehension while trying to get some work done. By the time, you make it to the date, you are probably quite exhausted.

Then, come the part of trying to make meaningful conversations and discreetly trying to glean information about each other.

If you do not like each other, you do not see each other again and you could or could not end up hurting your pride, just a little.

If you like each other enough, you continue meeting up and doing things together. You start to get more comfortable together and can afford not to worry about looking your best. You start to like the person for what they actually are, their values, their silliness, learn all their bad habits, pick fights, learn to live with it.

And then, if things started falling apart, you go through the whole process of heartbreak and trying to move on by making effort to meet new people.

And the whole process starts again. Doesn’t anybody else find this exhausting? I do.
I feel so tired just thinking of it. Where is all this leading to?

But, I only have to think of you. Images of how happy you look when recounting your proposal to me and, I feel the pain starting again. I will shrug, put on a smile and drag my tired soul to meet the somebody new, hoping that he may just sparks off something in me and if he does, hopefully, just maybe, this time, things can end differently, or rather, happily ever after.

Don’t we ever stop hoping?

The things we try to convince ourselves into hoping and doing is kind of amazing.

Guess that’s how life goes on.

And how do the rest of the world who are happily and blissfully in love manage to get there? Sometimes, I wonder if love is an over-amplify illusion borne just purely out of a fear of loneliness and a need for companionship?

Am I even making sense here? Guess not, cos the jittery feeling is getting on my nerves. I am actually worried about what somebody I hardly know think of me, what I wear, etc, etc. How wonderful!*rolling my eyes*

Song from a potato friend

This song was forward to me by someone I just met. He is a “potato” and does not understand the lyrics at all but he actually like the song. Was quite of surprised.

The lyrics make me think of you. Again. Somehow, it adeptly describe how I feel. Or does all sad songs make me think of you?

You got to know I am job hunting yesterday, and immediately offered to help me check out postings from your HR. I received a whole list of suitable postings from you first thing this morning. You know what? You got to stop being so nice to me.

I am really happy to have met you and to know that, the guy I love for so long is a really decent person. But, I need to move on.

For once, in my life, I am actually making effort to meet people. Friends are kinda of amazed. Nothing serious, just meeting people but the distraction is good.

 

歌曲：陪你一起老

歌手：品冠 专辑：疼你的责任

作曲:小虫作词:小虫

当爱不能同情当爱不能哭
留在心里那一点点的恨还真苦
没有人能作主没有人服输
爱情的蛮横和残酷无处申诉
谁不贪图那多一点的在乎
想要爱又吃不了苦就别欺负
虽然结束也不要不甘不服
曾有过就要满足要真的祝福
我只是难过不能陪你一起老
再也没有机会看到你的笑
记住你的好却让痛苦更翻搅
回忆在心里绕啊绕我多么的想逃
我只是难过不能陪你一起老
每天都能够看到你的笑
少了个依靠伤心没人可以抱
眼泪擦都擦不掉你知道
希望你知道我是真心的祝福
只要你过得好快乐就好

Advice from client

Advice from client:

J, you can’t be like me. You are different. I have been thru marriage, went one whole round with the same man half my life and we are fighting out our divorce in court. You are different. You are still young. You still have a whole future ahead of you. You need to find someone you love, settle down with him, have children and build a family together. You have so much ahead of you. You can’t just lock up your heart like that. You will never be able to move forward if you are locking yourself up like that.

Somehow, these words make me feel like weeping my heart out cos I know she is absolutely right.

Funny dream

I dreamt of you last week.

In my dream, you were a young boy. A young boy with your face, your mannerism and expressions. Happily playing with 2 friends. You guys saw me and burst into song, happily singing away with you as the lead.

I recognise the smirk on your face that is so familiar. The look of supreme satisfaction with self when you are doing something you are really good at.

At the end of the song, your friends got started on a new song. A song that you are unfamiliar with. The tiny little you of my dream started throwing a really KIDDY tantrum. You were stamping your little feet in EXTREME frustration. And you started to sing LOUDLY to the tune of Fur Elise, trying to drown the 2 kids’ singing. You were singing 三○三百八十八……to Beethoven’s famous tune!

http://www.virtualsheetmusic.com/downloads/Beethoven/Eliza.html 

It was so ridiculous that I woke up laughing heartily. I was so tickled by the image that I continue laughing for the next 5 mins. The way that only you can make me laugh. It has been a while…

Gosh! I must be going NUTS!

As an amused C put it, “You must be spending too much time with kids this past 2 weeks and you can’t stop thinking of him all the time. Put the 2 together and your weird dream manifest”.

As they said “Like tat how???”

How do you know?

How do you know this is not someone you want to date?

You just know cos you always know when the person is not even being truthful to you or even treating you decently.

Sometimes, it just takes one tiny nugget of missing information to put everything in the right perspective and completely clear your mind.

Updated 10 Aug 2007

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End of Chapter. 

Am leaving this post here as a reminder that something cannot be compromise.

Time to say congrats

It’s finally time.

Time to say congrats.

From now on, you are sharing your life with her. You are going to build a family together. No matter what happens, she is the one at your side.

I will stand at a distance to wish you well.

The ironic part is I do not even need to debate whether I will attend your wedding cos it coincides who LA’s wedding and I promised her to help out. Maybe, it is a good thing.

Yet, a part of me do want to be there at the sideline to see your blissful experience and happiness. The silly part of me. The other part, the coward part of me, am glad that I do not have to be there wearing a forced exterior of gaiety when I am feeling sad inside.

Just friends

“We are such old friends already. You know I wish you well in my heart, wherever you are.”

Yes, that’s all we are ever going to be. I know that but when will my heart ever stop hoping for more.

Too bad that you can’t meet for lunch. Actually, I just wanted to see you before I leave for my trip.

你挡

Amid all the joyous occasions, gaiety, feasting and celebration this week, you constantly came to my mind. These 2 words were companions to my memories of you.

你挡. Whenever you could, you did that for me.

Before I could hit the ground while falling backward down the slope, you were there to break my fall. 你挡.

You took care of me in so many little ways.When you are around, I never have to try to fit in. Cos you make me feel like I belong.

On the train, in restaurants, in gatherings, in office, among friends, in so many ways. 你挡.

It is funny how I have never realised the significance of these little things that I used to take for granted. Sometimes, it is only when we look at things from a distance or in retrospective that we learn see things in a different light. For everything that you had ever done for me, Thank you.

It took me so long to learn that neither pride nor fear should ever stand in way of love. In future, I hope I have the courage to overcome my fears and be honest about my feelings instead of hiding behind my pride. The next time I meet someone who can make me laugh the way you did, I will remember the lessons you taught me.