I can’t force graciousness

For the past 6 years, you are the only man I have love. Can I really bring myself to just regard you as a friend only, truthfully and without any internal conflicts? No matter how hard I try, how much self restraint I exercise, how much distance I put between us, you are already wired into a special corner of my brain and labelled as important. My heart will always know it. No matter how many times I remind myself to keep the line very visible, my instinct will always remind me of how special you are to me.

But, I am trying. I really am. Maybe if I try hard and long enough, someday the relationship can transist into a truly platonic one. You will still be important and special but in a different way.

Today’s lunch is another step. Our conversation flows more naturally. We are less awkward and more comfortable. I was able to approach the subject of your wedding. Of course, I am not going to be feeble and pretend that I am perfectly fine. Cos’ I am not. We have quite a decent conversation until I feel the need to ask about your proposal. Looking at your radiant face while listening to you recount the actual proposal in minute details was that ultimate punch that brought tears stringing. I managed to control it till we said good bye. Tears just started falling the moment you turned your back and I had to duck into a toilet cubicle.

Hearing about your wedding plans from a 3rd party is different from hearing it from you directly. From you, I have to look at your radiant face and register all the concessions that you make because of her. Knowing you are going to tie the knot is different from hearing you recount to me all the minute details of your proposal.

I can’t talk about the emotions now. But, I know why I am putting myself through this. Cos you are too important to me. I still want you to be a part of my life, a part of my future even if from afar, even if as just a friend. Cos I can’t just negate everything you have meant to me, the countless times you have offer me support or any of those little acts of kindness that you have done for me just because you have found your true happiness.

I wish I can be more gracious to be really happy for you. But, I can’t. The little part of me that is glad to see you look so happy is so overshadow by the selfish monster in me. The part of me wishing I am the one by your side, I am the one you are proposing to, I am the one who have managed to make you so happy, I am the one who is making the wedding plans with you, I am the one who is going to share your life with you. I feel mean for not being fully able to feel fully joyous for you. I am sorry. I just can’t. 

Despite you repeatedly stressing that I must make it to your wedding, I am sorry. I am not sure that I can be so gracious or that I can trust myself to maintain a strong front of a happy well wishing friend. I am not confident of my ability to smilingly shake your wife’s hand and to look at your radiant faces and not feel like my heart is breaking. Please do not ask that of me. I can’t. At least, not yet. I will make effort to maintain our friendship and put effort to keep it intact. That is all I can do for now. And it is more than I can handle.

P.s. I am really glad you like the gift I got for you.  


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