Cowardly heart

I hate the part of me that is forever warning myself to tread with care, to do the right things, to exercise caution and not allow myself to get hurt. It is this part of me that had overprotected myself, curbed my impulses and inevitably caused more hurt to myself. Alot more hurt than if I would to follow my heart, let go of my pride and cast caution to the winds, allow myself to make more mistakes and learn the meaning of life through these mistakes. Allow myself to live a life that is to my heart’s content.

Deep down in my heart, I recognise that I am causing more hurt in the long run to myself by restraining myself. Yet, I made the same mistake over and over again. I am quite happy to take new steps forward in other aspects of my life.  But, when it comes to love, I turn into a freaking coward, always afriad to bare my heart and soul in the fear of getting hurt. Always afriad to take the leap forward. Why do I have so little faith? Which part of me is a witch that doesn’t deserve to be love? Or it is the physical attributes? Or family background? I do not think I am even close to a ogre in both personality and looks. Figure can do with some help but am presentable enough. So, why do I keep making the same mistake to cut myself off from possibility of happiness? Why is there the need to put up this mask of self sufficiency and independence? When deep down, I would really appreciate being taken care of and having someone to lean on? Someone to share my life with. Why is it so hard to admit it out loud?

If I continue like that, then I will continue life with this empty gap in my live. And, really, I only have myself to blame. I want someone to love. Someone to love me and share a life with. Someone to built a family with. Then, why is it so hard for me to take the leap of faith to move out of my shell? What am I waiting for? Dreams do not just drop out of the sky. I know only too well that I need to do something to turn dreams into reality. I infuriate the hell out of myself sometimes. How could I allow myself to be so passive in this part of my life that I deem to be so important? For so long and just watch the drift of people in my life drift out of it and move on with their lives?

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