There are days when I question myself if I am in the wrong job or just the wrong place.
I mean I have never been good at balancing my balance sheet in school. That apparently has not changed much since I left school more than 10 years back. Now, just the thought of having to look at all the financial statements is a major put-off. It is just something I have to fumble through really slowly. Questioning on my choice is not doing much. I am here. That is all that counts. I should focus on making sure that I am not wasting my time here. Whatever time I spend here must prove worthy. I need to accumulate the experience and learn more to help me move on asap. Currently, I need to work at being better to reduce my stress. If I can look through the statements at the rate my boss is doing, stress will be substantially reduced.
The place is not really bad but the structure and system is messy and disorganised to a point that is beyond my comprehension. And, I FEEL REALLY STIFFLED. And bored. I am allowing all these people to really step all over me. Something that I will never have allowed previously. I am really restraining my temper and suppressing all my bitchiness. Just the other day, I allowed an asshole to talk to me with his feet crossed and plodded up on the table. All I wanted to do why to slap the file over the asshole’s head and tell him to bloody learn some manner. But, really, who am I to do that? My boss and seniors are all living in fear of this bloody man who has the ability to make our lives difficult if we stepped on his toes. So, in order not to upset the natural harmony of things around, I bit back my sarcastic retort and controlled my temper.
Why am I taking in all sorts of nonsense? In an uncharacteristically meek manner. I suppose it is because at this moment, I feel I am new and am not good enough in my job yet. That is why I am allowing myself to eat the humble pie and take in all these shits. On top of that, I have problem being assertive when I am unsure of where the line lies. My prima donna proxy is not helping really. I have to rely on myself if I want to snap out of this stage. A.S.A.P. Meanwhile, I need to learn to take these shits WITH A PINCH OF SALT. Read as, not allowing myself to get upset over them. Until, I know exactly what I am doing to be assertive. I need to know my work very well first. This has to come progressively and incrementally.
There are also days when I wonder if my job description really read as a clerk. Have I miss that out during the interview? But, really, I have realised that I am doing an awfully lot of things that someone else should be doing simply because I am new. This has lead to an overwhelming amount of backlog cos I am trying to do everything myself. I have decided to stop being nice and throw out stuff. I cannot be doing every admin task myself and still hope to be effective and productive in my work. If clerk can show me attitude, so can I. And if things that should be done by someone else, ends up back in my in-tray, I can jolly well just throw them out again till she gets the message. Or just tell her plainly to do it. It is really high time to start using my out-tray more.
Well, I need to build the experience before I can move on. So, no matter what I need to grin and bear it. It will help if I can relax more. Being as tense as a tightly coiled up spring is not helping. I desperately need to regain my confidence and assertiveness in this arid environment. P is constantly asking why don’ t I just quit and get another job. My answer is no. I refuse to give up just because I am finding it difficult now. Moving on does not mean things will definitely become better. I still need to pick things up from scratch. 2 years. I am giving myself 2 years here to build the experience before I move on. Who knows? Maybe, I may have learnt to manage the environment well enough to like it. Then, I could possibly stay longer. But, I have no doubt that this place is just a stepping stone. This is not the place I see myself building a career in. The key thing is I must learn enough to render myself good enough for the next place I am moving on to. Meanwhile, this is just a transit point. The market is looking really bad for the next few years. As a transit point, this is not too bad a place to be in this period.
The faster I move ahead, the better it is. And the faster I learn and establish my boundary, the faster I can assert myself and stop being pushed around.
I have decided to stop trying to fit in. We are just people with difference demographics. Having nothing much in common does not mean our working relationship cannot be cordial. Similarily, working at cordial working relationship does not mean that I have to force myself to fit in. I have no kids and maid related conversation to contribute and that is really alright. As long as I am doing my part to contribute to the team, it is fine. I should be focusing on working at my ability to contribute. This is a working environment, not my social environment.
I have also decided that from now on I refuse to work on weekend. I need to constantly remind myself that my motive to switch career is to have a more balanced lifestyle for long term. Having the mindset that the weekend is for rest and personal time will force me to be more effective at work. I will stop having the mindset that I can also catch up on work over the weekend. I need my personal life back. I need to do other things that I enjoy and are meaningful to me.
And I still need to study. That has been woefully neglected. Time to pick up my books. I have decided to eat lunch alone twice a week in my new found “escape” corner to study my CFA notes.
I also need to exercise. Just signed up for gym membership today. Will meet C to go for yoga, combat, body balance classes for a start. I really like the body balance classes so far.
And yes, I need to read more. The books I stocked up are still awaiting reading. Plus all the reading materials that I need to read for my job. I have decided to read some of these materials on the train.
Personally, I need to save more money. The first thing to do, is to minimise my cab taking. Really, I am taking cabs to work everyday. My current pay does not justify it. I need to learn to live with the crowd and cut down on cabs.