Sick again

I lost count of how many times I have been sick since I got started on this job.

Have taken too many sick leave in this past 7 months to make it as a responsible member at work.

I am getting the feeling that the boss thinks I am just bluffing. Everytime, I called in sick, she makes it a point of calling or smsing to find out, “What happened?” This is usually followed by requests on follow-ups on my cases and further pressing for me to follow up further. I do not mind having to call the client twice in the day but I suspect that doing that is guaranteed to piss off the client unneccessarily. I gathered she does see the point in my sms to concede for the second call to be made the next day.

This does not negate the extent of  my “pissed off” stage. I suspect, the degree of my irritation is in close proximity to my boss’ irritation at my act of taking sick leave again. Frankly, both yesterday and today, I contemplated dragging myself to work with my scratchy throat, runny nose in my feverish and coughing self. However, as mum pointed out, that will just have been plain stupid and guaranteed a long period of inconveniences before recovery.

Frankly, I personally am sick of being sick. Guess this is the body’s most effective way of protesting from lack of care and over-neglect. And, quite frankly, I do not enjoy being sick nor subject to the feeling of causing excessive inconveniences to anyone at work. And frankly, I miss the humane attitude that we hold towards sickness in the old office.

Should I take in that all this sickness is just one sign telling me that I should just get my ass out of this place? Or maybe the fact that I have gotten my hair cut like 5 times in 7 months provide further evidence that I am stressed beyond normal. That after 7 months, I still do not remotely feel like I can belong to this place. But, I am like a plodding machine, plodding on day after day joylessly.

I am constantly getting the feeling that I feel like telling someone to fuck off but in a hopelessly ineffective chain of mindless system, I can’t quite decided who should be the one to get the butt of my frustration ( without me feeling the slightest bit of remorse about it). So, I swallowed it all in and fuck myself up in a stage of unyielding stress and frustration. I remember working hard in my previous jobs but I do not remember being this unhappy. I remember lots of tears but also lots of laughter and a feeling that it is all worth it. Over here, I feel like a puppet. A puppet that is not doing any good despite trying. And will never be. Because a puppet will never is as good as the person in control. Maybe, it is time to cave in and bail out. To the hell with what anyone else thinks. It is my life after all. I have never built any big time dream of being a perfect supercareer woman anyway. Looking at my boss struggling between work and family and juggling between proving herself at work and her guilt at having family take a back seat somehow, the choice is clear. I have never wanted to be like her.

There is just one thread holding me back. I do like the job if not the environment. I find it to be interesting if only there is a better system and environment. But, whether there is such a place leaves much to be contest with cos we all know that there is no perfect situation.

On days like this, I wonder if all these issues I have are primarily due to my own immaturity. It is always this self doubt and questioning, striving to be a better person that holds me back from plunging right ahead to do what I want.

Maybe, I should just learn to listen to my heart.

More importantly, I should get my priorities right. I have never been the type of person to want to make work my one and only priority. Seriously, if work and money are all that important in the first place, I will never have left my previous job.

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