Self admission

Maybe it helps to admit this to myself rather than having all my friends tell it to me.

They are all stating one very obvious fact.

I am really unhappy with my job.

If I am really honest about it, I am still trying to force myself to accept the environment and culture. In fact, the people too.

After a year, I still feel like the outcast in school.

This may sounds really silly. But in all my previous jobs, I never have problem with making friends. Or at least, finding people I am comfortable enough to talk/hang out/at least eat lunch with.

These days, if my other friends are not available, I prefer to eat alone. In fact, most days, I eat alone, facing the wall, sitting in a row with the uncles, surrounded by crowds. Or I go sit by the river & eat my lunch. Occasionally, I eat with colleagues. On such occasions, I find myself thinking that I should eat alone the next day.

It scares me that I am turning into a complete hermit.

It scares me when laughter takes effort.

It scares me when I constantly feel like I am facing a deadend.

It disturbs me how frustrated I feel. And how I put up with things when I feel so totally infuriated become I think I have to.

It disturbs me to listen to my colleagues talk about domestic stuff (like their maids/teachers of their kids) & what strikes me was I want to run a mile from these people. There is somehow a thread of superiority and biasness underlying these conversation that makes me wish to distance myself from them.

I also find it deeply disturbing that these people seems have very pre-set moulds in their minds.

I need to do something about it.

I need to give myself options.

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