Looking at the night view of Seoul from the comfort of my bed. There is soft jazz playing in the background. I am propped up with 3 soft fluffy pillows in the most comfortable room I came across in this trip. It is pleasant and relaxing.
Yet, there is this sense of emptiness and loneliness swelling within me.
I thought of you today.
At the amusement park at Lotteworld. A lovely little girl came up to me, smiling endearingly, taking tiny unstable steps. I was positively captivated. She circled round me thrice, waving cheerfully at me, with her daddy close behind her. Watching her daddy trailing her step for step, I thought of you.
In a couple of months, your first born will arrive. Your world will be totally transformed. Your perspective on life will never be the same again. You are moving on to another step forward in the life that is far removed from mine. In a not so distance future, you could be that daddy bringing your little girl to amusement park and carefully following every single tiny step she takes. You will be that daddy carrying your baby up the flight of steps while holding on to your wife.
In that instance, I could almost see you as that daddy in my mind. You will be a good daddy.
I can’t quite explained the pained emotion washing all over me. The fact you are having a kid soon is provoking lots of reflective thoughts on what I am not doing with my life.
I thought of you in Jeju too, but without any accompanying thought. You just came to mind and the thought just drifted off. Maybe, it just a habit to think of you when I am in someplace nice. Maybe, there will always be a soft spot for you in my heart. But, I know these feelings are becoming distanced memories already.
I no longer think I should try to rebuild the friendship. It is easier to move on with my life without contact with you.
Surrounded by families throughout this trip, I see couples of different personalities trying to managing their families. Some of these couples blended so completely that you can immediately see how they complement each other. Some of these couples have personalities that striked you as completely different and yet, bit by bit, you see how these differences help them play different roles in managing their little ones on a day to day basis. None of these relationship are perfect, everyone is trying their best to live life in the best way they possibly could.
Looking at the mums, I questioned if I have the strength to do what they are doing everyday for their families. And, I was once again hit with the reminder that my bad habit to question too much is my ultimate stumbling block that leads to inaction.
In life, we often just sink into the roles life throw us and do the best we possibly can. Nobody can expect a ideal situation. And all I can ask of myself is to try to make everything I want a reality and put in efforts to make things work out the best I possibly can.